Tag: mental health

The Sum of all Parts

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So one thing that I’ve learnt in the past two years that I’ve spent on my healing journey, is the importance of holistic treatment. I used to be scared of medication because I was fearful of it fundamentally changing who I am. I believed in talk therapy, because I felt that my problems weren’t that big. I didn’t realise how seriously my anxiety was impacting my marriage because I didn’t realise how ingrained it was with who I am. And also, I thought things like moms groups were lame, and also I don’t like interacting with “moms”, where all we have in common is the fact that we are moms. And worst of all, I thought clinics were like a scene out of “Girl, Interrupted”, and when you talk about your stay in one, you should always whisper the word “clinic”, out of shame.

And then, these humans found their way into my life. And my head. And they have all shaped my journey to recovery in important and valuable ways.

DISCLAIMER: I realise that I am quite privileged in that I have access to all these healthcare professionals, but if you can get holistic treatment, it is so important and helpful to your overall journey. But what is most important is getting the help you need.

The woman who saved my life

My Therapist. About two years ago, my son was born with two holes in his heart, and then I was retrenched, and lucky enough to find another job, but still I felt like I needed support. I happened upon a Facebook ad for a moms group, and when that fell apart, I contacted the facilitator to see if she would see me individually. She unfortunately couldn’t see me until December, and I felt like I needed to see someone before then. So she suggested a colleague of hers, and the rest, as they say, is history.

I remember sitting down in that first session and saying to my therapist, that I’m here for what she called “champagne problems” on her blog. Those things that make us feel bad, but aren’t quite clinical. We started with me sharing what led me to therapy: a complicated pregnancy, a son with a heart condition, a retrenchment. In our next session we went through my history: family structure, childhood, issues I deal with.

We had an immediate rapport, we were able to joke, while talking about serious things. We have a shared love of books and words. And she understood me. For the first time I felt like someone was seeing me. I felt validated.

We are still working through my stuff, because it turned out that it wasn’t just “champagne problems”, and the fact that I thought that they were speaks to all the stuff that I have to work through.

The woman who saved my mind

After seeing my therapist for a few months, she suggested that I see a psychiatrist for medication to help with my anxiety. I was a bit nervous to go the medication route, I really believed that all I needed was talk therapy. I didn’t want to mess with my brain chemicals. What if the person I’ve always been changes?

The truth about medication, from my experience, is that it lifts the fog of depression, and slows down those train tracks of anxiety for example. It gives me the space to actually work through all the stuff from talk therapy. It helps me to have a better handle on my day-to-day functioning.

My psychiatrist is great, and she is particularly skilled with managing women’s issues. Also, when I started with her, I was still breastfeeding, so she prescribed medication that I could take while breastfeeding.

I’ve been through a couple of brands, and a mix of dosages, but I think we’ve found something that suits me for the time being. Every time we up my dosage or change brands, I have to try it out for a month and then go back to her to check in if it’s working. If it’s not, then I need to try something else. I’ve had some bad medication experiences, but in the end, I’m supportive of the medication route, if it’s necessary.

It doesn’t change who you fundamentally are. And also, being that I’m in this process would it so bad if the person I’ve always been changes?

The woman who saved my marriage

Having two kids really changes a marriage. Having two under two is like a wrecking ball to a marriage. And our marriage was already under strain due to my husband working shifts. From my side, I felt depleted, and distant from my husband. I felt like he took me for granted and completely disrespected me.

We had been in marriage counselling in our first year of marriage, and she had helped us navigate our marriage, and the changes it brought to our lives. I didn’t want to go back to her because I felt like she favoured my husband, and with my whole self-renewal process that I was undergoing, I couldn’t be in a room where I didn’t feel as heard as he was.

So we tried out someone else. We saw him for 3 months. And while he was well-revered, with many years of experience, I felt like he didn’t change anything in our marriage. I also felt as though he preferred my husband to me.

And that is when my therapist suggested the psychologist that my husband and I are currently seeing. She is helping us communicate properly. She’s teaching us about communication styles, and how our emotions work at a neurological level. We’ve learnt what is hampering our communication with each other. And she gives us homework to make sure that we practice what we discuss, and that this process is dynamic and not held in the room with her only.

The women who help me re-parent myself

Parenting is not easy, no matter if you have one kid or many. Girls or boys. Babies or adult children. Parenting is hard. And confusing. And you never feel like you’re doing anything right. One day your kid is eating carrots. The next day she hates them. Parenting is hard.

My therapist introduced me to “Mindful Mamas”, which is a group facilitated by a therapist, and through which we are guided through healing stories. We are also taught about the Conscious Parenting movement, which we can then try and apply in our lives.

The main tenets which I have gauged from this process is to treat my children like tiny humans, with their own thoughts and emotions. Discipline is no longer about getting them to do what I believe is right, but rather guiding them through life.

I have learned to review my own agenda, and what it is that I want out of the situation, and how it is perceived by them, and what they want out of a situation. All kids want to do is enjoy life, and play. And this is valuable for anyone. I have learnt so much from them about mindfulness. Yes, we need to get done and go to work and school.  But is it really going to harm us if we sit for a few minutes to build a lego house? And in reality, it’s not. In fact, it heals us more than it harms us.

I still struggle through parenting, but, as a conscious parent in training, I feel like I’m building valuable connections with my children, and validating them, by seeing them for where they are. And hopefully through all of this, I am building a secure attachment, and building confident children, with a healthy sense of self.

Special Acknowledgements

Friendamily

My friends. Who are always by my side. The people who will stand up for me when the world is against me. But will also stand up against me to steer me in the right direction.  

Cuckoos

I recently spent a few weeks in a psychiatric clinic. And I met a group of awesome people. We spent many nights giggling and talking. For the first time a group of people just got me, and could support me in ways I have never been supported before. They held me together when I was falling apart. And they are part of my journey to recovery.

Liefie

(actually that’s his nickname for me) I’ve mentioned him before. And about how our marriage was falling apart. But he has truly been so supportive. When things were really bad, and he was scared out of his mind, he was able to give me the space to heal. And then opened himself up to learning about me and my struggles, and what I need from my partner. He finally read all those blog posts I shared with him.

Wildlings

My kids. They are lively and energetic. And mothering is draining sometimes (most times). But when I walk in that door, and they run towards me shouting “Mommy!” all is forgotten. And on the bad days, all I need is a hug from them, to get perspective. And to remember two of the reasons I’m living for.

So there it is, your support can come from the strangest of places. And if you are in a dark place, you may not realise that you have anyone at all. A lot of the time, despite having all of these people in my life, I feel really lonely, and like I have no one. But that is part of my journey. Learning to lean on those around me for support, and about boundaries and who to trust.

But if there is no one that you do find comfort in, I hope you find comfort in this blog, to know that there is this quirky chick, with some issues, who wants to be there for you.

Resources:

http://thebeautifulmind.co.za/ OR https://www.facebook.com/clinicalpsychologistfairuzgaibie/

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1950822965156283/

The Mental Health Starter Kit

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From Left to Right: Positive affirmation; medication; hydration; relaxation; more medication

As I’ve mentioned before, I am a mother of two. What I did not mention is that I’m a mother of two children, under 4, who are 20 months apart. That is enough to make anyone go a little crazy. And then to top it off, my second pregnancy was complicated, and then my son had heart complications, and then the cherry on top was me getting retrenched while on maternity leave, on the anniversary of my father-in-law’s death. More on that in a later post.

And did I mention that I had been suffering, undiagnosed, for at least the last 30 years? I started on the road to recovery roughly 2 years ago, so I thought I’d start with a post on mental health.

Words of Affirmation

Now, here, I’m not talking about platitudes, or those messages you leave on your mirror to motivate you as you start your day. What I’m talking about are those words that speak deep into your soul. For all my life, I have struggled with issues of inadequacy and feelings of not being good enough. I need to remember that I am capable, and that I do not need to hold myself to anyone’s standards but my own. And also to remember why I started. My word of affirmation is tattooed on my arm, “Powerful beyond measure”, from the Marianne Williamson poem:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” — Marianne Williamson

Self-care

Hydrate. Eat your vegetables. Get a massage. Stay in bed all day. Get up and shower. Read. Watch a movie. Whatever is healing for you. We need to find ways in which to look after ourselves, and there is no one-size-fits-all.

Some days, self-care is about getting up and doing the things. And then other days, it’s staying in bed because facing the world is harmful. But the most important thing is that we take time out to look after ourselves. And heal. Whatever that looks like.

Be Mindful

What was your left hand doing while your right hand was brushing your teeth this morning? Not many of us can answer this. Because we are very rarely living in the moment. By the time we start getting ready for work in the mornings, we are already prepping for our 9am meeting in our heads. Mindfulness is something I am trying to practice, particularly with my kids. To be honest, I’m learning from them to live in the moment, while I try to parent consciously (also something I will chat about in a later post).

Something helpful that I was recently guided through, was paying attention to your body when you feel an emotion. Even if it’s a positive emotion, it just means that we are being more present. Once we can acknowledge our thoughts, our emotions and our physical reactions, we can start thinking about how to react, and what we need to do before we feel overwhelmed by the emotion.

I’ve got a squishy toy in my desk drawer, for when I feel tension, or stress, or the need to emotionally eat. And it helps me release the anger, or stress in a different way, if I’m not able to take a walk, or scream or exercise. All methods I use to manage difficult emotions.

In the moment, when you start feeling overwhelmed, try a grounding exercise. Look for 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. What a grounding exercise helps you to do is to be take the focus off the emotion and focus outside of yourself.

And if you can, dance it out.

Medidate

Linked to mindfulness, is spending some time in meditation. I struggle to sleep, and I started using a meditation app, to meditate just before I went to sleep in the evenings. Just spending 5-10 minutes focusing on my breathing, did wonders for my insomnia. I managed to fall asleep quite quickly, and I have also been managing to stay asleep throughout the night.

What is also helpful, although I am the first to admit that I haven’t been able to, is to try and get a meditation in, in the morning, either before you get out of bed, or before you leave the house. Whichever is more stress provoking. And also, before you go into the office, spend 2 minutes in your care, focusing on your breathing.

I do a lot of meditation with my therapist, and in the mom’s group that I’m a part of, but outside of these, I have a meditation app. At the moment, I’m using Headspace, but there are plenty available in your app store. You can find one that works for you

Medicate

Sometimes, you just have to. (under the guidance of a licensed medical professional of course)

I will admit that I was very hesitant when my therapist first suggested using medication, but now that I’ve found the right medication, at the right dosage, it’s changed my life. For me, the medication, helps stabilize my mood so that I can face everyday life. And then I see a therapist to help me deal with everything else. Medication can fix today’s mood, but it cannot fix the past. How I see it, it brings my mood to a functioning level, just like everybody else, so that I’m better positioned to deal with life stressors.  It doesn’t mean I float about and never experience stress or anger, or sadness. It just means that these very normal emotions don’t debilitate me, like before.

Some tips from my journey. While a GP and a psychiatrist can both prescribe medication, my preference is a psychiatrist, because it’s their area of specialty. And they will be able to assess why the medication is not working, or maybe it is working and the real reason you’re feeling down is PMS (it’s happened to me), or other such things. And also, if you have a good one, they won’t just look at the diagnostic criteria, they will look at you holistically, and consult with you on how you are feeling, what is happening in your life etc etc. Generally because they spend their entire day working with mental illness, I feel like they are more equipped for when you bring your concerns to them.

Also, you may be wondering how it works. And that is what most people worry about, is that taking psychiatric medicine messes with your brain chemistry and who are you. So I am not equipped, to explain it, and also I am not a qualified medical professional so cannot be dispensing medical advice, or explanations. What I will explain here is how it happens from the patient side.

Once you are diagnosed, your psychiatrist will prescribe medication that she/he feels is right for you based on a variety of factors. For example, when I started medication, I was still breastfeeding, so that had to be taken into account. And that medication is the only medication I am on, so I didn’t have to worry about interactions with other medication. You will start taking your meds, but you won’t necessarily feel a change for at least 4 weeks. Which is why you will need to go back and meet with your psychiatrist. If it works –  great, then you will stay on those meds for a period, determined by your psychiatrist. And so it will go. Sometimes, you’ll be fine for months, and then it won’t work, or something will happen and you need to adjust your meds, but your psychiatrist will keep a close eye on you, and also, if you do feel changes that are concerning, contact your doctor. On one type of meds that I was on, I felt numb, which is kind of a feeling I was struggling with, as part of depression, so that was defs not working for me.

And a final note on treatment, I am currently seeing both a psychologist and a psychiatrist, for an holistic treatment. Together they deal with all my stuff both inside and out. Like I said before, medication helps stabilize your mood to “normal” levels, and then a psychologist will help you with other factors which lead to you seeking help.

Talk

You may be one of those lucky people with a large support group, but if you are not, there is a host of therapists out there. You may need to search for a while to find one that you have rapport with. I went through 3 before I found The One. Also, if you are lucky enough to have friends and family who are good at dispensing advice and providing support, that’s great, but sometimes professional help is what you really need, particularly if there is trauma or mental illness involved.

One last note on my starter kit, my disclaimer on the above is that I am by no means a mental health professional, these have been my experiences, and you may have completely different experiences. What I will urge you to do though, is if you are feeling big emotions, that are overwhelming, or are causing you to not be able to manage your everyday life, seek help. You do not need to suffer alone.