Sometime in last year, I had somewhat of an epiphany, and while working through it with my psychologist, I lamented how far down the “wrong track” I was, overly focused on how old I am. And my stage of life. All she said to me was, “You’re never too old to go down the right path”.
Age is a social construct.
You are as young as you feel.
Age ain’t nothing but a number.
These may be platitudes, but if we don’t want to live with regrets, we cannot continue to live with the belief that life ends at 25. You’re not Leonardo Dicaprio. There is a whole lot of growth and self-awareness that can only happen after 25. Our frontal lobe is only fully developed at 25. So life doesn’t end at 30 or 40, it just changes. Just like it changed when you turned 5, or 13, or 18, we cannot stop ageing. But if we don’t want regrets when we’re older, we cannot let ageing stop us.
Starting to run again a few years ago
Allow yourself to be who you are. Respect the fact that having 30 years of knowledge of yourself gives you a wisdom that you didn’t have at 18. So if you want to change careers, study again, start a sport, do ballet… why not?
Why spend more time going down the wrong path? No matter how far you are down the wrong path, you can always turn back. I read that quote when I was in High School, and I’ve tried to always live by it. For me, realising I’ve gone in the wrong direction, means that I have new knowledge, that I cannot ignore. Do I want to spend the rest of time going down the wrong path? Or do I want to turn around, and actually go down the right path? And spend the rest of time there? Isn’t that preferable?
My psychologist reminded me that I could live my life with regret that I didn’t make a change that was deeply needed, and I could continue to believe that I was too old to live the life of my dreams. Or… I could change paths.
Imagine you were driving along a road, to a friend’s birthday party, and when you’d been driving for 30 minutes you realised that you were going in the wrong direction. Would you continue along that path because hey, you’d been driving for 30 minutes, and now you would waste 30 minutes to go back and change directions? I’m sure any one of us would go back and change directions because you are not going the way of your destination.
Our lives are no different.
You can always start over. And even if that relates to something like a depressive episode, or difficult period of life. That’s why it’s called an episode – it’s not the whole series. It’s a period of life, meaning there could be a new period on its way.
Right now, what you are going through could feel like it’s never ending. But we have the ability to start over. To make it end. To start something new.
And even in the moments where we feel like we are trapped, and we are unable to live the life we want, for whatever reason, know that you are empowered to make that change. Sometimes it’s small, like choosing to consume uplifting content and not comparing yourself to social media lives. It could be something big like quitting your soul-sucking job.
Most importantly, we need to believe that we are empowered to do these things. Especially in the moments when we feel like we are not.
Only you are holding yourself back from starting over. Starting to be content. Starting a new job. Starting therapy. Starting a new hobby. Starting to study. Starting to be a you that is grateful and brave.
If you had met me about 10 years ago, part of my self-description would include triathlete. On a whim in 2011, I decided to do a triathlon, and managed to achieve the goal with the support of my sister-coach, my fellow tri-lady and family and friends. I enjoy the sport so much because it appeals to my (then undiagnosed) ADHD mind which just cannot stick to one sport.
Completing my first triathlon
I managed to complete a few triathlons, and then I fell pregnant for the first time. Throughout my pregnancy though, I tried to upkeep the swim bike run training, which eventually became swim walk training, because being a triathlete was so entrenched in who I am.
And then I just stopped. And all I did was mother, and worked, and occasionally saw my friends.
And then fell pregnant again… having to mother more, and after being retrenched, finding a job and feeling the need to work harder so that it doesn’t happen again.
And I didn’t pick up triathlon again. Does that mean I’m not a triathlete? Is it no longer a part of my identity?
And I spent the next few years trying to figure out who I am, and learning to love myself. The moment I stopped doing things like triathlon is the moment I told myself that who I am mattered less than who others need me to be.
Completing Sanlam mile swim in 2019 – getting back to myself slowly
It’s been a struggle to get back there, to put myself first. My children grew up into tiny humans with their own stuff, and they needed me to be there, and I wanted to be a part of their sports and activities.
What I realised last year was that being their mom didn’t have to stop me from being Leila: the writer, triathlete, blogger, lover of coffee and cupcakes.
And so began my journey back to myself.
Completing my first 10km since becoming a mom
I set myself the goal of completing a triathlon, I found an accountability partner and a training plan, and set off to achieve that goal.
And on the 5th of November 2023, I completed it.
Achieving my goal at Tinman triseries
I feel like I have returned to myself. It is in that moment of accomplishment that I felt like Leila again. I did something for myself. For my own reasons.
And I think that’s the important lesson for me in this. That we need to have self-integrity. That we know ourselves, and in our journey to loving ourselves, we stay true to who we are, we do what is important to us. Most importantly, we do what we say we are going to do.
“I will do a triathlon.”
And I did.
Part of your self-love journey needs to include being true to yourself, and having that self-integrity to do what you say you are going to do.
It took me 9 years to learn that and stick to it, but I did it.
And I encourage you to do the same, whatever that thing is that makes you you. Make sure that you carve out time for it, even in the chaos of life.
When I was born, my mother was forced to stop working for a year because she gave birth. It was quite hard time for women to be working, they were allowed to work, but there were still subject to sexism if they gave birth, they were unlikely to be promoted, and company boards were all male.
So, as women, we had to work twice as hard as men to be seen as half as good. It’s ingrained in me to work hard, because at some point I’m going to give birth, be moody during PMS, cry because I’m angry, wear an outfit that is sexualised by colleagues, so my work has to work that much harder to have value.
And yes, the world has changed quite a lot since my mother quit working to give birth, and yes sexism is not as prevalent, and sure there are companies led by women, but still, all of us believe in hustle culture.
We always have to be working hard. Once you’re done working on your day job, what is your side hustle? Work work work work work (Rihanna said it best). And if you don’t, you won’t succeed, you won’t afford the life you want, or be able to keep up with the school moms (formerly called the Joneses).
But is it healthy?
Not only have we seen an increase in non-communicable diseases since the advent of hustle culture, but we’ve seen an exponential increase in stress-related illnesses, both physical and mental. But for all us millennials out there (especially the elder millennials), we cannot shake this. We have to work hard always. We will even work when we’re on sick leave. We’ll send emails from our kids sports’ matches.
And even for those of you out there who don’t take your day job as seriously, no doubt you have some side hustle that you are trying to get going so that you can quit that day job that you don’t take so seriously. So you aren’t actually resting (even if you aren’t a work nerd like us).
True rest is doing things that don’t require your brain to work in overdrive (dictionary definition of hustle).
If you’ve trained for a race, you will know that in your last week before your race, you have to taper your training, rest your body to allow it to recover so that it has optimal energy to perform in your race. And it’s the same for life.
You have to spend some time slowing down, smelling the roses, enjoying life for fun’s sake. YOLO is not about living a chaotic life that moves from moment to moment, always being busy, or engaging in risky behaviour.
Knowing that you only have one life to live should be about making sure you live it right, that you are able to enjoy it. So give yourself moments of calm, time for reflection, meditation, enjoyment.
It’s ok to not always be hustling.
We need to make time for mental, and physical recovery. And slowing down doesn’t mean poor performance, it means, conserving energy and building up stores for optimal performance later on.
Rest and recovery and not hustling hard er’ry day doesn’t mean underperforming, it means giving your body time to heal, and recover to be able to do better tomorrow. So that you can perform at your best.
Our bodies need nutritious eating, water, sufficient sleep, to operate optimally, and this improves your mental health too. Part of that should be making time for things like meditation, and spending time outdoors in nature, getting enough sunshine, connecting with others, and just doing things you enjoy.
What are you going to do to give your mind and body the rest it needs?
While depression is statistically the most common mental health conditions that people around the world have experience with, and when we talk to mental health, there is an underlying understanding that yes, we are referring to depression, or anxiety. A lot of celebrities are talking about their struggles with depression, or suicidality. There is a lot of awareness and information on social media and the internet around depression and anxiety to the point that these are synonymous with “mental wellness”.
But they are not the only ones.
Bipolar Disorder
Bipolar is characterised as having alternating experiences of depressive episodes with periods of manic episodes. There are different types of Bipolar depending on whether the person experiences a manic episode or hypomania and a depressive episode. During a depressive episode, the person will experience feelings of sadness and hopelessness, fatigue, memory loss, changes in appetite or difficulty concentrating. An episode of mania or hypomania, by contrast, is characterised by excessive talking, racing thoughts, hostility, little sleep, overconfidence in abilities and risky behaviour, including excessive spending and risky sexual behaviour.
Bipolar does need to be diagnosed by a medical professional, and there is no cure, but it can be managed with medication. It can be quite a difficult experience for the person experiencing these episodes for the first time, and it can be very confusing.
Schizophrenia
Commonly misunderstood as a person who has “multiple personalities”, and colloquially, people refer to poor decision-making as “being schizophrenic” as a result of this.
What Schizophrenia is actually characterised as, is a person has thoughts and experiences that seem out of touch with reality, coupled with disorganised speech, thoughts or behaviour and then also the person starts to show a disinterest in day-to-day life. Other symptoms and signs can include feelings of paranoia, suspicion or fear, unusually slow movements or speech, emotionless facial expressions or speech and isolating behaviours.
This is one of those mental health conditions that needs to be diagnosed and managed with a healthcare professional. There is a high risk of suicide with this group, and a high percentage of homelessness and drug abuse amongst people who struggle with Schizophrenia. It can be very challenging to manage, and while I don’t know many people who are able to live full lives with Schizophrenia, I do know that it is possible.
Obsessive-compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Another mental health condition that gets a bad rap in the media, and everyone who thinks that they are incredibly neat and organised refer to themselves as “OCD”, meanwhile the actual condition is actually quite difficult to live with and is not a cute minimalist way of living.
To actually be diagnosed with OCD, a person needs to struggle with intrusive thoughts which are defined as obsessions, and these thoughts need to lead repetitive behaviours, which are the compulsions. The person feels that they need to perform these behaviours and if not, then something bad will happen – which is part of the intrusive thoughts.
Also something that needs to be diagnosed and managed with a healthcare professional to be able to live a full life, despite these intrusive thoughts.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
There is a misconception that only soldiers experience PTSD, however, any experience of trauma can result in PTSD. Secondly, the definition of trauma is a lot broader than we typically understand. Trauma can be a family home where parents fight a lot, lack of emotional connection with family, moving house, surgery, racism etc. While not a formally a DSM-V diagnosis, complex PTSD is a consistent experience of emotional neglect and other similar experiences and the symptoms are the same as PTSD as a result of a singular traumatic event.
Dissociative identity disorder (DID)
Not only has this been misdiagnosed amongst society as Schizophrenia, but also there have been many movies that have demonised people who struggle with DID. In all these Hollywood imaginings of DID, there is always a serial killer hiding in the mind of a mild mannered man, who is responsible for killing or kidnapping innocent victims. But in reality, any person who needs to dissociate has very real trauma that they need to protect themselves from experiencing, which is the basis of DID. When a person experiences a severe trauma, that they cannot emotionally manage without falling apart completely, so they develop different identities to hide behind, to avoid experiencing trauma in its entirety. It’s a protective mechanism, not a mode of taking out a violent tendencies on the world.
Autism
A couple of years ago, I was reading that infamous article which tried to convince people to not vaccinate their children, because vaccinations cause Autism… but you know what’s worse than Autism? Death. The fact that this article managed to scare people into not vaccinating showed the poor understanding that the world had of people who have Autism.
Autism is characterised by differences in how the brain is structured, which shows up in differences in socialisation and interactions with other people and the world at large. They can still have a quality of life if they receive societal understanding, educational and employment support.
If Autism is diagnosed early, the child can receive the right supports that they need to live a full life. Parenting is significantly more difficult, but as society at large we need to understand that Autism is a form of neurodivergence and learn to appreciate that anyone with Autism just has a different way of viewing and interacting with the world.
Overall, when we speak about mental health, and mental health conditions, we need to remember that there are people who are experiencing different types of struggles, and to learn to be supportive and non-judgemental. Even if someone is struggling with something other than depression and anxiety.
When we think of mental health awareness days, our minds always go to mental illness, because yes, these days are about making us aware of mental illness, and understanding them, and destigmatizing them, so that people are comfortable to talk about their challenges, and struggles, and to seek help.
But mental health is something we all have, and those with mental illness, have just been diagnosed with an illness that needs to be managed. Similarly, like with heart disease and diabetes, we can do certain things in our lives, to prevent struggling with these illnesses, despite a genetic disposition to get them. It’s the same with mental health.
We should focus on maintaining our mental health, whether you have depression, or anxiety as an example, or you are just getting through life on the daily. Our lives are more stressful than they have been in years gone by, so we do need to focus on our mental health. And do what we can to stay healthy (both to not have heart disease or depression etc).
For me, the main things that I do are to exercise (at the moment I’m training for a triathlon), writing (like this blog), reading (like my 23 books to read in 2023), socialising with people who energise me (like my friendamily, and work besties), and also playing with my kids (our new favourite is Cluedo). But how you define what helps you stay healthy might be different.
Some of the key themes though, are connecting with others, spending time in nature, journalling, spending time in the sun, daily exercise, meditation, getting enough sleep and eating healthily. I have, however, scoured the internet to see what the experts out there have said.
One of the pages has stated that when we change these behaviours to improve our mental health, we should remember to treat ourselves with self-kindness, and avoid negative self-talk.
Get enough sleep
Sleep, we know, is of utmost importance for physical health, but not enough is spoken of the importance of sleep for mental health. To get enough sleep, try and avoid caffeine in the afternoon, go to sleep and wake up at the same time every day, and keep your bedroom dark, and cool and quiet.
Me with some of the people who energise me, doing what I love, dancing.
2. Connect with people who energise you
It is important for our mental health to remain in contact with people. Whether or not you define yourself as an introvert or an extrovert, it is important to remain connected to people who energise you. And not on social media, because the dark side of social media – comparison can negatively impact your self-esteem.
3. Move your body your way
A traditional way of moving my body
We need to spend at least 30 minutes a day moving our bodies to improve our mental health. It doesn’t need to be intensive exercise, something as simple as a walk, or dancing, yoga, anything that moves your body that you enjoy.
4. Enjoy nutrient-rich foods & drink enough water
Your dietician might not agree with sushi as nutrient rich, but hey omega-3s.
We know that we need to eat healthily to keep our bodies healthy, but it’s also important for our minds. To remain mentally healthy, we need nutrients to get the vitamins that are important for our brain function, which helps to keep us feeling good, and energetic too, all promoting good mental health. And don’t forget to drink enough water it has an overwhelming impact on mental health and keeps us healthy and feeling good.
5. Relax, recover, stress less
As much as our bodies need to move, we also need to know when to recover. We live in a “hustle hard” culture, but actually, it’s just as important to spend time resting, because recovery also keeps our bodies healthy. Remember to relax your jaw, and your shoulders, rest your body and mind.
6. Spend time outdoors
Nature can do wonders for healing, when we spend time in nature, and in awe of the world, it’s been proven to increase happiness, and similarly, nothing beats hanging out with your furry friends, they are happy to see you, and they understand human emotion better than some humans. And make sure you get enough sunshine for that vitamin D which gives energy and improves mood, and many other benefits.
7. Give to others
We speak about gratitude and its value for mental health, but related to that is when we do something for other people, it helps with mental health because we are doing something selfless, and selflessness is related to happiness.
8. Be mindful
We spend a lot of time focusing on the past, and planning for the future, but there are so many benefits of being in the present. Spending time in the moment can mean spending a few minutes in meditation, or getting on the floor and playing with your kids, colouring in, dancing, as long as you think of nothing else other than what you are doing in that moment
9. Do what you enjoy
Me and a book is where I love to be
What do you really enjoy? Is it photography, writing, reading, painting? If it brings you joy, make time do the things that bring you enjoyment – it’s a no-brainer that it’ll make your brain happy.
10. Make a selfcare kit
The type of photo that will end up in my selfcare kit.
I love this idea that I found on the internet – have a box with all the things that improve your mental health. Photographs of moments that make you happy, colouring books and pencil crayons, your favourite book, hot chocolate, a warm fluffy blanket, your favourite perfume etc. and all you do is open the box, and pick what you need in that moment.
These are 10 ideas for improving mental health, don’t pressure yourself to do all of them, but start small with things that are easy to do, and graduate to the activities that might require more time or planning. But we all have to work on both our physical and mental health so we do what we can to maintain our health.
Hi, I’m Leila and I have ADHD, and this is a part of my story.
I was only diagnosed at the age of 35, and the reason I was diagnosed is because my psychiatrist couldn’t understand how I was having the struggles at work that I was having. The only answer was that there was something else impacting me at work. Like ADHD.
Me, newly diagnosed. “Sometimes I’m extraordinary, sometimes I’m just extra.”
That diagnosis was… life-changing.
After coming back to work, newly diagnosed and medicated, I sat down with my manager, and explained what I’d learnt about myself and ADHD, and how I could apply it to my work. And while she claimed to understand, and claimed that as a business they were supportive of me and my mental health struggles, they were still going to put me on performance management (a contradiction if ever there were one).
I met with our company’s mental health ambassador, who validated my belief that without accommodations, a person with ADHD (or any other mental health challenge), shouldn’t be measured directly against peers who do not have the same challenges, and if so, it would be unfair treatment. My manager, having misunderstood what it means to be “fit to return to work”, said that I should still be on performance management because I had returned to work. But legally, what “fit enough to return to work” means is that they don’t have to pay me 75% of my salary for an extended period of not working. It doesn’t mean that I’m not impacted by ADHD nor that they don’t have to provide me with the requisite accommodations.
Fast forward to 6 months later, and I have shown progress during the performance management period, and I am not dismissed for poor performance. (phew!) Should I have been on performance management for poor performance at all? No. Should they have provided me with accommodations, and then measured my performance for 6 months, and if there was no improvement, then put me on performance management, because then the assessment is fair? Yes.
Despite surviving performance management, the problem is that once you have been on performance management, you are branded as an underperformer, and then not only was I trying to prove my own performance (like everyone else), but I was trying to perform despite have challenges that my peers don’t struggle with, and having to repair my reputation on top of it all.
The plot thickens. After the performance management, I had an understanding manager who gave me accommodations for my ADHD, but then I was moved to a different team, and the leader of that team said that to get my accommodations I had to prove myself first, but to be able to prove myself I needed the accommodations. Once again, a misunderstanding of what accommodations were and why they are required for people with mental health challenges.
Accommodations are not unfair treatment – they are required to level the playing field. And yes, they need to be reasonable accommodations. And in my case, my request was for a half day, or a full day out of office to limit distractions, for emails to include a subject line indicating if it’s an action required or for information only and for my deadlines to be staggered. So not unreasonable. Sure, they didn’t want to buy my R6000 headphones, and that I accepted, but surely I should be able to get some kind of accommodation, or modification of my role?
Needless to say, without the accommodations, or consideration for my ADHD, I ended up on a final written warning a year later. Listed amongst the transgressions were misreading an email, and a pattern of missing deadlines and poor prioritisation, which, as I stated in my disciplinary discussion, are all symptoms of ADHD – and without support, my performance is unfairly measured by these metrics. In fact, I shouldn’t be measured on these metrics at all. But also, having been on performance management a short period before meant I was judged more harshly than my peers.
Fast forward a year later, once again, I survived the written warning. And after receiving ADHD coaching, and a leadership change, I was thriving. And I wish it was happily ever after.
The damage has been done, and despite all my efforts to improve my performance, with no support for ADHD, I have been branded as an underperformer, and even when I perform well, I am viewed through the lens of underperformer so nothing is ever good enough.
But I continue fighting.
Because a strength that many ADHD’ers have is resilience – it’s helped me get through both performance management and a final written warning, and I’m still standing and I’m still laughing and enjoying my life as best I can.
As far as the world has come, and as much as organisations are sharing about their mental health supports, we have a long way before mental illness isn’t stigmatized. What is important, though, is to know your rights, and fight for them. We don’t always win, but if we don’t fight, no one wins.
Yes, you feel hopeless, and yes you feel trapped and like nothing is changing. You consistently scream out “when do I catch a break, life?”. Life is hard (not generically), but your life is hard. And I see you running out of energy to get through each day. I see you crying while driving to work. I see you fighting back the tears, and instead dancing and singing with your kids in the car, trying to find moments of joy amidst your sadness.
And in these moments where you don’t want to wake up in the morning, I want you to remember the people that do want you to wake up. You may feel lonely, and I see that, but there are people who don’t want to live without you. And when you feel like this, it’s hard to see the people whose faces light up when they see you. But they are there.
And all I want to say to you, is that if you can just push through these feelings, and try and focus on the next 5 minutes only. Take a moment to breathe, and listen to your breath enter your body, feel it flow through your lungs, move through your body, and then feel it leave, with all the toxins, and all the challenging feelings. Feel the release of the heaviness, even if it’s just for these 5 minutes, and you have to try again later.
Continue to find those moments of joy in your day. Sing out loud in the car. Dance with your kids. Do some night time yoga. Watch some silly, irreverent, TV. Go for a coffee. Play tennis. Meet a friend. Go swimming. Journal. Read. Colour. Write. Ask for help.
Whatever you do, or feel, drag yourself into these things that bring you enjoyment. The point of them is just to bring you outside of your head. Where it is not dark, where it just is. And to bask in just being for a moment.
From,
Future me
SADAG suicide hotline. Available 24 hours, in 11 languages: 0800 567 567
Boundaries. Something that is very important to me. Learning about boundaries was my light bulb moment in therapy.
Sometimes, we go through life, struggling, feeling hurt, suffering with depression and anxiety, and just not understanding why, or how to heal, or change situations so that we don’t feel these ways. And this was me, I had been in therapy for a while, and we had delved deep into my past, my relationships with all the people in my life, multiple diagnoses, and still we couldn’t figure out what was the issue. Until I sat in a lesson on boundaries.
I remember going, ag, I know what a boundary is. Until we started talking about the different kinds, about how we don’t hold our boundaries with others, but also with ourselves. Yes, you will always have people who encroach on your boundaries, or test them, but once you are in a habit of holding your boundaries, you can maintain the good mental health that comes from that, no matter what others do.
What are boundaries
A boundary is what defines what a healthy interaction with other people is for you. It’s the outer limit for where you are comfortable in relation to others.
And they are scary, and when we first start exercising these, you can get a lot of resistance from others, especially from people who are not used to you having these boundaries. Also, it can feel uncomfortable to hold these boundaries, which is counterintuitive based on the definition, but it feels weird in the beginning so that you are comfortable in the future.
The benefits of boundaries outweigh the awkwardness you initially feel when setting them though. Benefits like improved self-esteem and relationships, conserved emotional energy, being able to grow and be vulnerable. Also, it’s key to remember that boundaries can be flexible, depending on the people or surroundings.
Types of boundaries
There are a lot of different boundaries that we can exercise, and that relate to different areas of our identities or our lives. Some of these categories, I’ve listed below
Physical/personal space: relating to your body and the contact people can have with you
Sexual: relating to your sexuality and what you are comfortable with
Intellectual: relating to your thoughts and opinions and what you do with them
Emotional: relating to how you feel and what you feel and feeling your feelings
Things/possessions: relating to what belongs to you and what you want to do with them
Financial: relating to how you spend your money and what you choose to do with it
Time/energy: relating to where and how you spend your time and what you do
Culture/religion/ethics: relating to your choice of beliefs that you want to follow
How to set and maintain good boundaries
Know your limits
One of the first steps in having boundaries, is knowing what they are. So start by defining your boundaries in terms of the different areas. You need to know what your boundaries are in order to protect them. Know up until which level you are comfortable, so that you can say to others that they are overstepping. Your boundaries can be defined according to your values, your personal beliefs, and what your gut generally tells you about what you feel comfortable with.
Be assertive
One of the things you will read most often when it comes to setting boundaries is to be assertive when you are setting your boundaries, or holding them. Be confident in what is important to you and what you believe about what makes you comfortable, no matter what category of boundary is being encroached. People may not understand and continue to encroach on your boundaries, however, it’s important that you stand your ground and remember why you need the boundary, and why you are communicating it.
Learn to say no
No is a full sentence. But when you have grown up, taught to be a “nice girl” and hence grew up to be a people pleaser, means you struggle to say no, and feel the need to always give a reason, to make people feel more comfortable. Holding boundaries, though, is about making sure you are comfortable and asserting what you need to feel secure in this world. It’s ok to say no.
Practice makes perfect
Holding boundaries is a skill, and if you grew up without boundaries, then you need to learn that skill. It takes a lot of practice, it’s not easy in the beginning, but don’t get disheartened, keep at it, because it’s taken people a lifetime of holding boundaries to get it right, and if you are starting in adulthood, you need to give yourself time to get it right. So keep going, the more practice you get, the better you’ll get at holding boundaries.
Get support
Reach out to supportive family and friends and, if you have access to, psychologists/psychiatrists/social workers for support in holding your boundaries, defining them, and perspective on if you are being too rigid because you are uncertain on how to have boundaries because you have never exercised them before.
Something we don’t often speak of is boundaries for others – other people have boundaries too, and if we have grown up without boundaries, we may have unknowingly encroached on the boundaries of others. So key things when trying to notice others asserting their boundaries are:
Watch for cues
People will show you that they are feeling uncomfortable so look out for body language that suggests they are no longer comfortable with what you’re saying, how close you are. If they are consistently saying no, take no for an answer, if they are disengaged in the conversation and not saying anything or just nodding and using interjections like uh-huh, or hmmm, or I see, it’s possibly them giving an indication that they are no longer comfortable.
Be inclusive of neurodiverse behaviours
People who are neurodiverse can either have boundaries which are much looser, but also much stricter, and we need to take that into account. Sometimes they can become overwhelmed, or uncomfortable a lot quicker than others, so be aware of these moments, and we have to accept that there are many different people out there who have varying degrees of boundaries that we are not always going to understand.
Ask
When all else fails, don’t be afraid to ask people how they are feeling.
Young woman sitting inside transparent glass bubble and crowd of people. Concept of separation from society, social isolation or solitude, unsocial person. Flat cartoon colorful vector illustration
I hope this has giving some clarity to boundaries, which are all over the internet and social media at the moment, but it’s not always clear of what it means to hold a boundary or the gravity of not having boundaries, and the impact on your mental health when you do eventually manage to assert your boundaries.
I had a few sessions with an ADHD coach about 2 years ago, and one of the things that stood out for me in one of our first sessions was when we were in the middle of our session, and my kids came rushing into the lounge and climbed all over me to greet me when they got home from school. I immediately apologised for the interruption and in response, the coach said to me, “Don’t apologise. Be grateful that you have children who can interrupt you to show you love”. That, as they say, was a watershed moment for me.
As a person who struggles with clinical depression, remembering what I am grateful for in this life is helpful, having a list of things I’m grateful for that I can refer to when I’m really low is mental health first aid for me. My gratitude log (which is what I call it in my bullet journal) is a list of things in my life that I’m grateful for, but also reminders about me as a person and what I like about myself and that I’m grateful for.
According to Psychology Today, the 7 scientifically proven benefits of gratitude are:
Although I can see the surface level benefits for myself, I have wondered what is the psychology behind gratitude, is there any scientific benefit to it? Because it can feel really pointless, or fake, if you cannot see the value in it.
Having gratitude helps build connection and relationships.
Acknowledging someone’s contribution to your life, even if it’s something small, like holding a door open, makes an acquaintance desire to seek an ongoing relationship. So being thankful can help you make friends (it really is a magic word)
Gratitude improves physical health.
Grateful people are less likely to experience health challenges and are more likely to take care of themselves (which is probably why they are less likely to experience health difficulties). That’s reason enough for me, I’m grateful that I am able to participate in sports like triathlon, because I don’t get bored, and it’s always a challenge for me.
Gratitude improves psychological health
Being grateful can reduce the experience of emotions like envy, resentment and regret as it’s been known to reduce depression. It makes sense because if you are looking at your own life and what is great in your life, it’s very hard to be jealous of what others have because maybe they make more money, but they don’t have a family, for example. Also, it’s very hard to feel regret if you are grateful for the life you have experienced, instead of longing for a life you don’t have.
Gratitude enhances empathy and reduces aggression
Grateful people are more likely to behave in a prosocial manner (also going to win you some friends). In the studies where they have measured gratitude, they found that grateful people are more likely to behave more kindly even when others aren’t showing the same type of behaviour. And I guess, if you start your day being thankful for life’s small mercies, it only matters what you do, and not how others choose to live?
Grateful people sleep better
People who write in gratitude journal before bed have found to experience better and longer sleep. I may have to try this one out, because I sometimes forget what sleep feels like. I don’t know when last I woke up well-rested, so on some days, I need to end my day with gratitude.
Gratitude improves self-esteem
Gratitude has been known to reduce social comparisons, which in tern, helps build self-esteem, because the focus goes from envying someone else’s life, to appreciating your own life, and being able to appreciate other people’s accomplishments, without feeling resentment.
Gratitude increases mental strength
Grateful people have been found to be more resilient in the face of trauma. The basis of this is that being able to recognize what you have to be thankful in your life helps you to build resilience for those moments when you are struggling with a really challenging situation.
The key message I have taken out of all the reading I have been doing on gratitude and self-love, is the renewed focus on yourself, and teaching yourself to appreciate who you are and what you have achieved, what you have in this life. It’s something small, you can do it when you wake up.
I challenge you, for at least 30 days, to write down one thing that you are grateful for each day. Find those things in your life that will remind you why you should love yourself.
I’m going to be honest. I love Christmas. I am one of those nerds who loves the magic of Christmas. And I try and make Christmas the most wonderful time of the year for my kids. We bake, we do secret Santa, we wrap our Christmas presents, we decorate the tree together, and Elfie runs amok at night. Christmas is magical, and family-oriented, and based in Christianity (for us).
Elfie running amok
And if you had to ask me about Christmas growing up, I will tell you the same. Christmas was a magical time. We went to Noddy parties, we decorated the tree (including fake snow), we listened to Christmas music, we wrapped gifts for our family, and the Christmas food was untouchable.
But the truth is, as a child in my family, all credit for experiencing the magic of Christmas is on my mom. She made it special. There were a lot of challenges in my childhood, a lot of sadness around Christmas. We lost my grandfather a week before Christmas, most of my family is divorced, or blended families, family members have been ostracized for bad life choices. It’s a hotbed of family dysfunction. But all I remember is magic.
But being an adult, and having the ability to see that, is very different. So, although I would always come home for Christmas when I lived away from home as an adult, I did so because of my love of Christmas. But as an adult, I know there is no Christmas magic, so yes, it’s a lot harder.
Christmas as an adult means spending time with people we don’t necessarily get along with for the sake of “family”. It means returning to toxic environments and situations and being catapulted back to all those challenging childhood feelings – regressing almost. Adults have expectations loaded onto us, and responsibilities to be a grown up in all situations.
Needless to say, what I’m getting at, is that Christmas, or the festive season, is hard for many people. For some it’s not the obligation of seeing family you don’t want to, but actually, the loneliness of not having a family around, or grieving loved ones, financial burdens, fatigue from a hard year. The end of the year is an emotional minefield.
With this in mind, I have curated some tips for surviving festive (with your mental health intact)
Plan ahead
I used to love, and I mean love, shopping on Christmas Eve. It gave me a rush, which I now know was actually related to ADHD and needing that dopamine hit, by gamifying my Christmas shopping – will I have all my gifts by the time the shops close or not? But in reality, the buzz and overwhelm of all the Christmas specials, the decorations, the people, is a lot. So, it’s best to plan out your shopping, and give yourself a deadline early in December to finish your Christmas stuff, and then you can sit back and relax while the rush continues around you.
Also, plan out your time, so that you don’t have to accept every social event that comes across your whatsapp – make time for the people you want to see, but also time for yourself to rest and recuperate. And if you don’t want to host Christmas lunch because it will give you too much anxiety, don’t say yes out of obligation. Hold yourself accountable to yourself and say no for your own mental health.
Secret Santa gifts
Set a budget and stick to it.
We all joke about Janu-worry, because we all overspend at Christmas time and then don’t know how we are going to make it to the end of January. We feel obligated to buy everyone gifts, and big gifts (I mean, it’s Christmas). We also feel obligated to go to all the social events we are invited to. So, budget your resources so that you don’t have the post-Christmas financial burden stressing you out, and also your own time and energy to rest and recover before you return to work/school/university in the new year
Treats for Santa and his reindeer
Tis the season
It’s festive! Which gives us reason to eat and drink more than we should, but it doesn’t count because it’s over the festive period. And then 1 January hits, and we are hit with guilt for putting on weight, and all the things you said at the work year end, or to your mother-in-law because you did take on Christmas lunch and got drunk to manage your stress.
So two things, we all know our limits, and how they make us feel. If you don’t want to stay in bed for an entire day, don’t drink so much that you are forced to, but if you do, don’t feel guilty, because what’s done is done, all you can do is rest, recuperate, and remember that tomorrow is another day. What I’m saying is that don’t beat yourself up for a few extra kilos, or one too many drinks. Just remember to be true to you, and what is good for you.
I’m sure you would have read it all over the internet when it comes to advice about looking after yourself: Set your boundaries, and stay true to them – don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Remember that even if the festive season is hard, it does have an end, this is not forever. And think of that when you are spiraling because of negative interactions. Also, make sure you make time for yourself – you can take proper time out like going to a movie, take yourself to coffee, go for a run, read a book. Do things that take you out of your head.
Manage relationships
Like I said before, Christmas can be challenging because you may be forced to interact with family you don’t necessarily want to. There are, however, ways of managing difficult family members, and difficult conversations that you don’t want to answer about your weight, non-spouse, lack of children, lack of success at work etc.
Think of answers to questions you expect to get, in advance, so you are prepared to answer and aren’t thrown off by questions out of left field. If you do get stuck in a difficult conversation about topics you’d rather not talk about, prepare exit statements, or ways of changing the subject. If you really cannot get out of the topic, suggest an activity to be able to move on, like ‘hey I need to go help set the table’ for example.
Me and my daughter getting our nails done together
You can also start your own traditions, things that make you happy. Once my kids were old enough, I was able to start my own family traditions. Through this I’ve been able to preserve the magic of Christmas, as an adult. But your tradition could be watching a movie by yourself on the 26th. Getting a special coffee by yourself on the 23rd of December. It can be anything.
At the end of the day, Christmas is punted as a special magical happy family time, but for a lot of people it’s stressful, and lonely, and triggering. All we can do if we are obligated to be in situations we don’t want to be is to remember that we are in control of ourselves. We don’t have to engage in conversations or with people that we don’t want to. If we have left an event feeling deflated, we need to take time out for ourselves to return to ourselves, no matter what that looks like.
The Mispronunciation of Me 