Tag: mental health

Help me help you help me

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I’ve shared a part of my story before, but in light of this year’s World Mental Health Day theme of mental health in the workplace, I thought I would share my workplace story. What I’ve learnt about mental health in the workplace is that you have to know your rights, fight for them, and for yourself, so that you are able to thrive because you deserve it.

A couple of years ago, I found myself in a situation where I was on maternity leave with my son, and we had found out that he had 2 holes in his heart, and then roughly 3 months after that I was retrenched. It was during all of these challenges, that I found my psychologist, and I went to her because you know, retrenchment and health of your children can stress a person out. (I mean, meanwhile, what was actually going on was decades of untreated trauma)

I eventually started a new job, and after a year of being in the job (and in therapy), I was struggling to stay on top of my work, because what I learnt about myself in therapy, was about how my other life difficulties were impacting my “at work” self, and making it hard for me to focus on succeeding at work (a residual effect of the retrenchment and child health stuff). Which tends to happen with mental health conditions – is that they are not isolated. It’s not like, “Cool, you will only be depressed, at home, on a Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday”. No, it’s all the time, and in every sphere of life. So if you cannot get your homelife timetable together, because you are too depressed to care about anything, how would you get your work life timetable together?

My manager knew I was in treatment for Anxiety and Depression, and he was very understanding and gave me the flexibility to go to therapy during the day, and was very understanding when I needed time off.

Eventually, though, my lack of performance at work led to me being disciplined, and at the same time, my psychologist recommended that I be admitted to a clinic, because I was not mentally healthy, and needed some more serious, everyday mental health care.  

When I returned to work, my manager tried to take me off the performance improvement plan, because he figured that clearly not all is right in Whoville if I am being admitted. But the problem is. The business was not as understanding. His manager, who would be managing me, once he left the company, felt that my mental health issues and me not performing a work were unrelated. And the fact that I was now back at work, and no longer in a clinic meant that I was fit for work, so therefore, still had to “stand trial” for everything that happened during my depressive episode, prior to the clinic stay. Because you know, it’s isolated.

While at the clinic, I was diagnosed with ADHD, and that also explained my lack of meeting deadlines and challenges with prioritising etc, and I tried to sit with this new manager and explain to her, that I didn’t know I was fighting a battle last year, and now I know what I’m working with. And she was like cool, we’ll incorporate that into your performance improvement plan. Not, ooooh, I see, let’s take you off the PIP, and see if your performance improves and if not, then put you back on the PIP. In her mind, people underperform, and therefore, they have to suffer the consequences, regardless of the reasons for underperformance.

And that is the biggest challenge to employers, is to know that it’s not about ignoring failings, because yes, employees are paid to do their jobs. But what is required, is just a little bit of understanding. Because in my situation, all I needed was for a manager to go, let’s try and see how you do now that you have received some mental health help, and know that you have ADHD. And if I continued to underperform, I would have accepted the consequences, but I wasn’t given an opportunity to show my true potential, my true self, my accommodated self. I was rated against my struggling self, and forced to meet up to the standards of everyone who wasn’t struggling.

I managed to find help in the business through our mental health ambassador who helped me to have the right conversations with my managers about reasonable accommodations and to help them understand how my anxiety and depression showed up at work, and what supports I needed. And what I learnt from this experience was to always stand up for yourself and your rights, even when everyone around you is fighting against you.

Totes Traums

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When you think of trauma, what do you think of? Do you think of moving house? Or do you think of death? Or war? Or do you think of growing up with a drug addicted parent? What about never being hugged as a child? 

One definition that I’ve read is that psychological trauma is a response to an event that a person finds stressful. That is why many people can experience the same event but only some of them are traumatised by the event and others manage to brush it off. Because like Gabor Mate says, “Trauma is not what happens to you. Trauma is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you”. The experience is personal, it relates to what you are able to handle, and what you find stressful. That is why you shouldn’t feel shame that you are struggling to cope, but others who went through the same thing, or worse, are seemingly fine. Because psychological trauma relates to how you feel inside. 

So how do we respond to trauma? What does it look like? 

There are the relatively well-known responses, which include Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn. Fight can be described as the person staying to fight the challenge, and this can look like aggression or bullying when it’s unhealthy, or assertiveness, or standing up for yourself when it is healthy. Flight is where the person responds by avoiding the conflict by leaving the situation, and this can be unhealthy if the person never actually deals with what is happening, by disassociating, but can be healthy where the person leaves a situation that is unhealthy, for example, in domestic violence situations. 

Additionally, trauma responses which are not as well-known are freeze, which is where the person is unable to act, they struggle to make decisions, or do anything. When this is unhealthy is when the person completely shuts down and does not engage in relationships, or refuses to act when they need to, however, this is healthy in situations where were the person to take on all the emotions of the situation, they would be overwhelmed because they are not ready to deal with what is happening. The fawn response is more known as people pleasing, because in response to conflict or challenge the person will do anything to appease other people. This is unhealthy when they forego their own needs or identity in favour of the other person, but it can be healthy where compassion and empathy are needed in the situation. 

So what can you do to manage your triggers or trauma? 

  1. Get your body moving – I’ve spoken about it before, but any form of body movement helps with managing  your mental health when you are struggling. It helps you get out of your head, but also helps you process the feelings within your body. 
  2. Try not to isolate, although it may be preferred. Talk to people that you trust, because it can help you process what you are feeling, and there are the benefits of social interaction that help to manage your mental health. Sometimes it is better to be with a group of people to ensure that the interaction is light if that’s what you need. Speak to a professional if you need to, and if you have access to one. 
  3. Self-regulate through mindfulness, or grounding, or sensory activities. Meditation can do wonders for managing troubling thoughts by focusing on being in the present moment and what you are experiencing right now. Grounding is a useful technique to use especially if you have been triggered and are experiencing a panic attack. 
  4. Look after your health. Eat healthily, get enough sleep, manage stress as best you can. 
  5. Find your safe space – it could be literal depending on where you experienced trauma, or it could be someone you trust, and who is supportive and understanding. 
  6. Feel your emotions. This is not always something that we want to do – it’s uncomfortable, and unpleasant, but it’s so important for healing. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, sense where you experience it in your body, and through that you can help yourself heal. You don’t have to fully integrate the why, just know the what and the where. You can address the why when you are ready, and when you have help. 
  7. Get to know your triggers. If you can, you can manage these by avoiding them, but what is important is to know what they are so that if you aren’t able to avoid them, then use techniques like breathing meditations, grounding, use sensory items. 
  8. Give yourself time. Healing trauma isn’t an immediate thing, it will take time to work through your emotions, and to process the experience, and it will take a lot of work and time to ease the impact of the trauma. So don’t judge yourself if it’s been years and you’re still not “over it”. It’s ok, the impact of trauma can be visceral and not easily or quickly dealt with. 
  9. Find ways to relax – what are the things that you enjoy? Being in nature, dancing, watching light-hearted TV, reading, writing, colouring. Anything that can put your mind, and body, at ease. 
  10. Build a routine. Consistency is what you need to feel like yourself again. Maybe the routine is different from the one you had before, but it’s important that you have that certainty about what will happen daily, and that you have something to focus on. 

Have self-compassion if you are working through a trauma – it’s ok to take a long time, to struggle with the impact of the trauma. Focus on the small steps, or just the impact on your body as a start. Little things each day. 

Resources:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/trauma/coping-with-trauma/

Four Types of Trauma Response

I saw the signs… and it opened up my eyes

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Since being diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I have become aware of the symptoms… at least I thought I was. I’m very much still on my healing journey, and sometimes, need someone outside of myself to tell me that my “check engine” light is on. 

Things were happening in my life, that irritated me, and made me sad, and annoyed. But I thought that it was just that. A normal reaction to life sucking. A side effect of adulting. 

Until my psychologist told me to make a call to my psychiatrist. And it switched on a light for me, highlighting to me that my “check engine” light was on… and flashing aggressively. And I was ignoring it, and continuing to drive far into the distance without stopping. My psychologist had to point it out to me that I am not ok. 

And then I started looking around. I was exercising, sure, but begrudgingly, and where I could cancel, I did. My eating was well, indulgent, to say the least. I was not reading (beep! beep! beep!), I was not writing. And worst of all, I spent all of my time at work complaining, not laughing (I mean, working) at work. I didn’t see it. I was depressed. More depressed than I had been in a very long time. 

When I finally saw the signs, I could do something about it. 

Thankfully, it coincided with a meditation course I was on. Meditation is one of those things that can really help. I didn’t realise how much, but once I became aware of my feelings, I could become aware of what they were doing in my body. And that is why mindfulness is so helpful for mental health, and how meditation can help to relieve some of those difficult emotions. 

Once I realised I had been mindlessly eating, I made a concerted effort to be mindful about my eating. I don’t always make the right choices, but at the very least I am making conscious choices. And that is important for me. Because you can only change something that you are aware of. 

I also had to watch uplifting content, and for a while I refused to allow myself to watch anything but comedies, but then I realised that my crime series was strangely uplifting because there was a resolution, and I enjoyed the problem-solving. Sometimes what is uplifting is strangely un-uplifting from the outside, but nevertheless, it’s whatever makes you happy. 

I made sure that I switched off all devices an hour before bedtime, to ensure I got a good night’s rest, which opened up an entire extra hour in my day for me to read. Which, in a virtuous circle, helped me to fall asleep faster too. (also, I put down the sad stories about people going through what I’m going through, and read inspiring stories, self-help books, and books about finding meaning). 

I also allowed myself to lean on others, and let them help and support me (a biggie). I didn’t have to do this all on my own. There was no shame in how I was feeling, and I had friends and family who were willing to listen to me and be there for me, whenever. (thanks, by the way)

And then there was writing – this blog, in fact. I spent some time researching the concept of self-worth, and it was a turning point for me. It made me realise that I was putting my worth into the wrong things, and giving away my power to issues and people who really didn’t deserve the power of the mind I was giving them. I have a lot to learn about self-worth, and a long way to go before I truly realise my self-worth, but the car is in the shop, while I continue on this journey (ok, this analogy isn’t really working out, but you get the idea). 

We all have mental health

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When we think of mental health awareness days, our minds always go to mental illness, because yes, these days are about making us aware of mental illness, and understanding them, and destigmatizing them, so that people are comfortable to talk about their challenges, and struggles, and to seek help.

But mental health is something we all have, and those with mental illness, have just been diagnosed with an illness that needs to be managed. Similarly, like with heart disease and diabetes, we can do certain things in our lives, to prevent struggling with these illnesses, despite a genetic disposition to get them. It’s the same with mental health.

We should focus on maintaining our mental health, whether you have depression, or anxiety as an example, or you are just getting through life on the daily. Our lives are more stressful than they have been in years gone by, so we do need to focus on our mental health. And do what we can to stay healthy (both to not have heart disease or depression etc).

For me, the main things that I do are to exercise (at the moment I’m training for a triathlon), writing (like this blog), reading (like my 23 books to read in 2023), socialising with people who energise me (like my friendamily, and work besties), and also playing with my kids (our new favourite is Cluedo). But how you define what helps you stay healthy might be different.

Some of the key themes though, are connecting with others, spending time in nature, journalling, spending time in the sun, daily exercise, meditation, getting enough sleep and eating healthily. I have, however, scoured the internet to see what the experts out there have said.

One of the pages has stated that when we change these behaviours to improve our mental health, we should remember to treat ourselves with self-kindness, and avoid negative self-talk.

  1. Get enough sleep

Sleep, we know, is of utmost importance for physical health, but not enough is spoken of the importance of sleep for mental health. To get enough sleep, try and avoid caffeine in the afternoon, go to sleep and wake up at the same time every day, and keep your bedroom dark, and cool and quiet.

Me with some of the people who energise me, doing what I love, dancing.

2. Connect with people who energise you

    It is important for our mental health to remain in contact with people. Whether or not you define yourself as an introvert or an extrovert, it is important to remain connected to people who energise you. And not on social media, because the dark side of social media – comparison can negatively impact your self-esteem.

    3. Move your body your way

    A traditional way of moving my body

    We need to spend at least 30 minutes a day moving our bodies to improve our  mental health. It doesn’t need to be intensive exercise, something as simple as a walk, or dancing, yoga, anything that moves your body that you enjoy.

    4. Enjoy nutrient-rich foods & drink enough water

    Your dietician might not agree with sushi as nutrient rich, but hey omega-3s.

    We know that we need to eat healthily to keep our bodies healthy, but it’s also important for our minds. To remain mentally healthy, we need nutrients to get the vitamins that are important for our brain function, which helps to keep us feeling good, and energetic too, all promoting good mental health. And don’t forget to drink enough water it has an overwhelming impact on mental health and keeps us healthy and feeling good.

    5. Relax, recover, stress less

    As much as our bodies need to move, we also need to know when to recover. We live in a “hustle hard” culture, but actually, it’s just as important to spend time resting, because recovery also keeps our bodies healthy. Remember to relax your jaw, and your shoulders, rest your body and mind.

    6. Spend time outdoors

    Nature can do wonders for healing, when we spend time in nature, and in awe of the world, it’s been proven to increase happiness, and similarly, nothing beats hanging out with your furry friends, they are happy to see you, and they understand human emotion better than some humans. And make sure you get enough sunshine for that vitamin D which gives energy and improves mood, and many other benefits.

    7. Give to others

    We speak about gratitude and its value for mental health, but related to that is when we do something for other people, it helps with mental health because we are doing something selfless, and selflessness is related to happiness.

    8. Be mindful

    We spend a lot of time focusing on the past, and planning for the future, but there are so many benefits of being in the present. Spending time in the moment can mean spending a few minutes in meditation, or getting on the floor and playing with your kids, colouring in, dancing, as long as you think of nothing else other than what you are doing in that moment

    9. Do what you enjoy

    Me and a book is where I love to be

    What do you really enjoy? Is it photography, writing, reading, painting? If it brings you joy, make time do the things that bring you enjoyment – it’s a no-brainer that it’ll make your brain happy.

    10. Make a selfcare kit

    The type of photo that will end up in my selfcare kit.

      I love this idea that I found on the internet – have a box with all the things that improve your mental health. Photographs of moments that make you happy, colouring books and pencil crayons, your favourite book, hot chocolate, a warm fluffy blanket, your favourite perfume etc. and all you do is open the box, and pick what you need in that moment.

      These are 10 ideas for improving mental health, don’t pressure yourself to do all of them, but start small with things that are easy to do, and graduate to the activities that might require more time or planning. But we all have to work on both our physical and mental health so we do what we can to maintain our health.

      It’s beginning to look a lot like F*%@ this

      prettylittleleilaLeave a comment

      I’m going to be honest. I love Christmas. I am one of those nerds who loves the magic of Christmas. And I try and make Christmas the most wonderful time of the year for my kids. We bake, we do secret Santa, we wrap our Christmas presents, we decorate the tree together, and Elfie runs amok at night. Christmas is magical, and family-oriented, and based in Christianity (for us).

      Elf on the shelf on candy cane sled on staircase bannister
      Elfie running amok

      And if you had to ask me about Christmas growing up, I will tell you the same. Christmas was a magical time. We went to Noddy parties, we decorated the tree (including fake snow), we listened to Christmas music, we wrapped gifts for our family, and the Christmas food was untouchable.

      But the truth is, as a child in my family, all credit for experiencing the magic of Christmas is on my mom. She made it special. There were a lot of challenges in my childhood, a lot of sadness around Christmas. We lost my grandfather a week before Christmas, most of my family is divorced, or blended families, family members have been ostracized for bad life choices. It’s a hotbed of family dysfunction. But all I remember is magic.

      But being an adult, and having the ability to see that, is very different. So, although I would always come home for Christmas when I lived away from home as an adult, I did so because of my love of Christmas. But as an adult, I know there is no Christmas magic, so yes, it’s a lot harder.

      Christmas as an adult means spending time with people we don’t necessarily get along with for the sake of “family”. It means returning to toxic environments and situations and being catapulted back to all those challenging childhood feelings – regressing almost. Adults have expectations loaded onto us, and responsibilities to be a grown up in all situations.

      Needless to say, what I’m getting at, is that Christmas, or the festive season, is hard for many people. For some it’s not the obligation of seeing family you don’t want to, but actually, the loneliness of not having a family around, or grieving loved ones, financial burdens, fatigue from a hard year. The end of the year is an emotional minefield.

      With this in mind, I have curated some tips for surviving festive (with your mental health intact)

      • Plan ahead

      I used to love, and I mean love, shopping on Christmas Eve. It gave me a rush, which I now know was actually related to ADHD and needing that dopamine hit, by gamifying my Christmas shopping – will I have all my gifts by the time the shops close or not? But in reality, the buzz and overwhelm of all the Christmas specials, the decorations, the people, is a lot. So, it’s best to plan out your shopping, and give yourself a deadline early in December to finish your Christmas stuff, and then you can sit back and relax while the rush continues around you.

      Also, plan out your time, so that you don’t have to accept every social event that comes across your whatsapp – make time for the people you want to see, but also time for yourself to rest and recuperate. And if you don’t want to host Christmas lunch because it will give you too much anxiety, don’t say yes out of obligation. Hold yourself accountable to yourself and say no for your own mental health.

      Gift in Christmas wrapping
      Secret Santa gifts
      • Set a budget and stick to it.

      We all joke about Janu-worry, because we all overspend at Christmas time and then don’t know how we are going to make it to the end of January. We feel obligated to buy everyone gifts, and big gifts (I mean, it’s Christmas). We also feel obligated to go to all the social events we are invited to. So, budget your resources so that you don’t have the post-Christmas financial burden stressing you out, and also your own time and energy to rest and recover before you return to work/school/university in the new year

      Christmas plates with biscuits, hot chocolate and apple
      Treats for Santa and his reindeer
      • Tis the season

      It’s festive! Which gives us reason to eat and drink more than we should, but it doesn’t count because it’s over the festive period. And then 1 January hits, and we are hit with guilt for putting on weight, and all the things you said at the work year end, or to your mother-in-law because you did take on Christmas lunch and got drunk to manage your stress.

      So two things, we all know our limits, and how they make us feel. If you don’t want to stay in bed for an entire day, don’t drink so much that you are forced to, but if you do, don’t feel guilty, because what’s done is done, all you can do is rest, recuperate, and remember that tomorrow is another day. What I’m saying is that don’t beat yourself up for a few extra kilos, or one too many drinks. Just remember to be true to you, and what is good for you.

      I’m sure you would have read it all over the internet when it comes to advice about looking after yourself: Set your boundaries, and stay true to them – don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Remember that even if the festive season is hard, it does have an end, this is not forever. And think of that when you are spiraling because of negative interactions. Also, make sure you make time for yourself – you can take proper time out like going to a movie, take yourself to coffee, go for a run, read a book. Do things that take you out of your head.

      • Manage relationships

      Like I said before, Christmas can be challenging because you may be forced to interact with family you don’t necessarily want to. There are, however, ways of managing difficult family members, and difficult conversations that you don’t want to answer about your weight, non-spouse, lack of children, lack of success at work etc.

      Think of answers to questions you expect to get, in advance, so you are prepared to answer and aren’t thrown off by questions out of left field. If you do get stuck in a difficult conversation about topics you’d rather not talk about, prepare exit statements, or ways of changing the subject. If you really cannot get out of the topic, suggest an activity to be able to move on, like ‘hey I need to go help set the table’ for example.

      Mom and daughter with painted nails in red and green
      Me and my daughter getting our nails done together

      You can also start your own traditions, things that make you happy. Once my kids were old enough, I was able to start my own family traditions. Through this I’ve been able to preserve the magic of Christmas, as an adult. But your tradition could be watching a movie by yourself on the 26th. Getting a special coffee by yourself on the 23rd of December. It can be anything.

      At the end of the day, Christmas is punted as a special magical happy family time, but for a lot of people it’s stressful, and lonely, and triggering. All we can do if we are obligated to be in situations we don’t want to be is to remember that we are in control of ourselves. We don’t have to engage in conversations or with people that we don’t want to. If we have left an event feeling deflated, we need to take time out for ourselves to return to ourselves, no matter what that looks like.

      Be you, do you, love you.

      Woman with earrings that look like baubles

      Resources:

      Surviving the Silly Season, 12 Tips for a Mentally Healthy Christmas

      https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/christmas-and-mental-health/christmas-coping-tips/

      Get real

      prettylittleleilaLeave a comment

      I recently went on a bit of a rant with a friend, complaining about people who are not transparent or open, and how I’m just authentic to a fault and it’s important to me but maybe not to everyone else. But what I’ve learnt though, in the last few months, is the importance of authenticity within your mental health journey.

      It was in a moment where I was joking with a colleague (followed by me questioning why I was oversharing to such a degree), about how I keep myself so busy to avoid my feelings. And then my psychologist red-carded me for doing the same with my therapy. So there it was. I avoid my feelings. And that is one of the things that was making my mental health journey inauthentic and stagnated.

      I put a lot of work into my self-esteem and self-love journey, but for me to start healing in a big way, I need to stop running and start acknowledging those feelings.

      Cartoon of characters representing different emotions in Inside Out movie.
      Inside Out movie

      We always hear how we have to be true to ourselves, but what exactly does that even mean? I was called out for not have “self-integrity” and while I consider myself to have a lot of integrity in normal everyday life, I was forced to admit that that was true.

      It comes from being a people pleaser. We do and say whatever we think the other person wants to hear. And we deny ourselves. Zero integrity for self. Because what if what they are saying is against your values? What if it’s in direct contravention of your beliefs? Why are you not standing up for what you believe in?

      And when it comes to your feelings, and your needs – are you denying these? Are you allowing the feelings and needs of others to be more important to yours, and thereby, denying yourself feeling your feelings? Are your behaviours in line with your values, and what you believe in and your needs and feelings?

      For example, I hurt my wrist recently, and instead of resting, I have been doing all the things, because I don’t want people to think that I’m lazy or unhelpful. But the reality is, I am denying myself the healing process.

      Woman posing with flowing dress.
      What depression looks like – me looking happy just before a psychiatric clinic admission

      And it’s the same with being our authentic selves and staying true to what we need. If we go against what we truly need in a moment, we are not being authentic towards ourselves. We are denying ourselves. And we don’t always consciously do it, sometimes, we do it out of habit, fears of rocking the boat, fears of not being liked. But if it costs our mental health, it’s not worth it.

      And it’s not about being mean, or cruel, or hurting others – it’s just about staying true to yourself. So, if you need to rest on the weekend, and a friend invites you out, say that you cannot join, because your need is for rest and recovery. And that is more important than doing something for someone else’s reasons, and neglecting yourself.

      A couple of years ago, a movie poster had the subtitle, “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything”, and while it’s a cliché, I’ve never forgotten it. I was forced to remember it in this moment where I realized that the people pleaser within me was falling for anything. And for someone who has convictions as strong as I do, that was a hard pill to swallow.

      Standing up for ourselves feels mean to us, because we spent our entire lives being mean to ourselves, by not standing up for ourselves.

      I am pledging to look after my own needs and emotions. If I feel down, I am going to allow myself the space to feel that emotion, even though it may not be accepted by the people around me. I am not going to pretend to be happy just to appease everyone else. I need to experience the emotion to work through it.

      I pledge to be truly authentic.

      Love yoself:

      prettylittleleilaLeave a comment

      Self love is the best kind of love

      Cartoon woman dancing surrounded by butterflies with text stating self love is the best love

      I recently had a breakthrough in therapy, which, to be honest, while I’m going through it, feels like a breakdown. As I was speaking, all my psychologist said was, you can cry here, and as she spoke those words, I thought, ‘But I don’t need to cry’, and before I knew it, I was bawling about why I don’t matter.

      But more important, than my incredibly vulnerable admission, is what came next. The realization that I do not love myself (more vulnerable admissions), and while for the longest time, I ‘knew’ this, I didn’t actually know it.

      Following our appointment, where she allowed me to cry and talk for 15 minutes after my allocated time, she sent me multiple links about self-love, and how to develop self-love, which I then binge watched when I got home.

      I think I had spent a lot of brain power rationalizing and trying to understand the origins of self-hatred and what happens when you don’t love yourself, and what it looks like. And a lot of cerebral thought analysing my behaviour, and relating it back to feelings of self-hatred. It was all educational and in my head.

      But finally, in the month of love (when I said recently, I meant February), I realized what it felt like to not love yourself. And why I didn’t love myself. And how I allowed myself to remain in situations that continued to validate my feelings of self-unlove.

      "A new start and way to go" with stars at the top and bottom

      But the real work begins now. I bought myself a beautiful journal with a motivational message about thriving on the cover, etched into a colourful image of plants and flowers (always start with a beautiful journal). And I took copious notes from the youtube videos from my psychologist. I did some desk research on sites like psychologies, and school of life, and this is what I learnt so far:

      The academic stuff

      According to Psychology today, self-love is comprised of four elements: self-awareness, self-worth, self-esteem, and self-care. What this means, is that we need to become aware of our bodies, and our feelings, and how they are expressed within us, and how to identify our emotions. Self-worth is then acknowledging what the good parts of us are – we all have them, but the world we grew up in tells us that it’s not enough, it’s reconnecting with what you deem to be your good parts (they’re in there). A high self-worth leads to a high self-esteem. Self-esteem is all about how comfortable you are with yourself and where you are in life. It’s being ok with yourself and your good (and bad) parts. Finally, self-care is all the activity we do to keep ourselves (both body and mind) healthy.

      A journey starts with the first step

      Pink background, with woman hugging herself, surrounded by bed of flowers, with text saying welcome to my self love journey

      I’m in the beginning of my self-love journey, and so far, I’ve been focusing on getting to know myself, by doing things that I enjoy, or enjoyed in the past. It’s almost like starting to “date myself”, well at least, using the same principles of dating. When you start dating someone, you spend a lot of time getting to know them, and what makes them tick, figuring out if you like them or not. So, I need to spend time with myself, to learn who I am, and what I like and don’t like.  

      Feel free to follow my monthly series of “Love yoself” posts, as I continue along my self-love journey, and share what I learn. Watch out for the first post of each month.  

      Some further reading:

      https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/the-upside-things/201911/self-love

      “If there’s something weird and it don’t look good. Who you gonna call?” (Part 2)

      prettylittleleila2 Comments

      If you do find that you are struggling with mental health issues or are feeling as though you can’t cope with life, what do you do? And where do you turn? This month, I’ve connected with some mental health practitioners to provide guidance as to what the different mental health practitioners do, to guide those of us seeking therapeutic help and guidance.

      Interview with a Social Worker:

      What does a social worker do?

      People normally think of statutory social workers who are involved with the removal of children. This is only one area of social work, and you need to be designated to statutory social work.

      Our goal within social work is about how to develop communities and to help communities thrive. We work with individuals, groups and families. We consider what are your resources – what are you lacking and what have you got. Social work is about developing and helping people thrive individually, group and community.

      We look at using resources. For example, how do we help families, we try and work with what you have available to you. If you are struggling to move, we build in exercises to help you move within your environment. We play to your strengths and sensory capabilities. It’s about using the resources you have to manage mental wellness

      What is the difference between a social worker and a psychologist?

      Although social workers are not involved in any diagnostic work, they work with people, and can be your first source of therapeutic healing. We can refer for extra support or input around diagnosis if required. We help clients develop skills and help to manage symptoms, once they have a diagnosis. We look at the impact on your life, and what we can do with that. For example, what are your triggers for depression, and when you see that happening, what do you do, what are your options, and strategies in this space eg checking in with a friend.

      Social work gives clients practical resources. What does your depression mean practically? Where is it stopping our life and what can we do

      When would someone need to see a social worker?

      There is no one size fits all when it comes to treatment. Depending on approach you’re needing, at the time, it will determine who you approach. At the end of the day, if you are struggling to function – you need to speak to someone. And you need someone who is going to listen and understand to help you pick up the different threads. If you feel like things are unravelling, you should seek help, before you feel like you’re too stretched. It’s hard for many people to admit that they’re not coping.

      How do you find a social worker?

      The best place is to look at the SAASWIPP Website, and search by interest topic. Social workers need to be registered to be on the website, and you will find information on whether they are cash only or you can claim medical aid. All this information will be available

      https://www.saaswipp.co.za/

      Anything you would like to add?

      Different people connect with different practitioners – this is about a process and a journey.  While there has historically been a hierarchical perception and at times, real division between psychologists, there is most definitely space and a need for both.  Even as mental health practitioners, we should always be working within the best interests of our clients, ethically and professionally.  This should always guide practice.

      “If there’s something weird and it don’t look good. Who you gonna call?” (Part 1)

      prettylittleleila2 Comments
      Psychologist making sense of what client is saying, when it appears to be scrambled in patient mind
      Psychologist depression consultation advice patient sitting talking character design flat vector illustration

      If you do find that you are struggling with mental health issues or are feeling as though you can’t cope with life, what do you do? And where do you turn? This month, I’ve connected with some mental health practitioners to provide guidance as to what the different mental health practitioners do, to guide those of us seeking therapeutic help and guidance.

      Interview with a Clinical Psychologist:

      What does a psychologist do?

      You get different kinds, but it depends on registration category. As a clinical psychologist, I am trained to treat and diagnose all clinical disorders, but also to help people through all hurt and pain.

      What is the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist?

      A Psychiatrist is a medical doctor and manages mental disorders with medication.

      A Psychologist is a mental health professional, but not medical doctor. We can diagnose, but cannot prescribe medication, so a treatment plan involves psycho-therapeutic methods. Including behaviour techniques for clients. But more importantly helping clients heal through a supportive and caring relationship.

      How do I know I need to see a psychologist?

      As a necessity, things to look out for are suicidal thoughts and feelings, but also a struggle to live, where you are struggling to feel joy and the need to connect with others.

      If ever you feel you need some kind of support, you can see psychologist. There are many of us who don’t have adequate support in their lives, and a psychologist can help provide that and help them build that into their lives.

      Advice on finding a psychologist

      My experience as a client and a therapist, is that race and culture matters. So I would recommend, that you seek out someone that you think would have sufficient lived experience that they could understand your context. Besides that, someone who is referred by a mental health professional is a good bet. And I would encourage you to look at people’s website, social media, to get a sense of the psychologist and their areas of interest.

      Other types of psychologists

      Counselling – They are not trained in diagnosing severe mental illness, but are able to offer psychological support and treatment for less severe emotional struggles.

      Educational – They are involved in conducting psycho-educational assessments, diagnosing barriers to learning and helping to provide practical support and treatment plans for these learning barriers.

      Neuropsychologist – They look at the impact of brain trauma on neuropsychological functioning.

      Research psychologist – They conduct social science research in the area of social psychology in particular.

      Other mental health professionals

      Registered counsellors – They are not able to diagnose, but they are able to offer psychological and emotional support, to those suffering with less sever mental health concerns.

      Clinical social workers – They are well trained in family and child work.

      What is the therapeutic process like

      Initially, the therapist needs to gain an understanding of why the client is struggling at this particular time, with these particular issues, given the unique path they’ve walked in life. The therapist is able to gain an understanding of the challenges they have, and what might be helpful in order to help them overcome these.

      Anything else?

      Prevention is better than cure, and while it might seem as though it is unnecessary, or even over pathologizing a situation to seek out therapy, if addressed early, things need a lot less therapy, and result in less emotional trouble. Even if one or two sessions can rule out what is causing trouble, it is better than leaving things ferment and causing other trouble.

      MENtal Health

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      The other day my son told me that they can’t cry because they are not babies any more, and I leapt at the opportunity to tell him that it’s always ok to cry. If you are feeling hurt, or sad, or angry, or even happy. It’s always ok to cry. I went on to say that even I cry, and his dad cries. Everybody cries.

      Male with scribbles over head, and shoulder cracking

      I’ve alluded to it before, how we are socialized differently, and how little boys are taught that it’s not ok to cry, or get hurt. And as men grow older, they are taught that it’s not ok to feel big emotions. No one wants to be accused of being hysterical (a word which has its origins in the anatomy of a woman – the Greek word for uterus). Historically, for a man to do anything like a woman is bad, don’t run like a girl, or throw like a girl, or cry like a girl.

      But when it comes to mental health, the rate of suicide amongst men is double the rate it is amongst women, however, the rate of depression diagnosis amongst men is half the rate it is amongst women. Surely, there is something wrong here?

      If so many men are in such despair that the only way they see out is to end their lives, why are there not more male diagnosis of depression, of feeling empty? If we could treat more men for depression, then we could reduce the rate of suicide amongst men.

      Cartoon of drowning hand and "society" highfiving saying be a man

      But to do this, we need to change our view of mental health amongst men. Seeking help in the form of therapy or other methods of mental health treatment should not be seen as something only women do. Men need to know about the benefits of talk therapy, and share it with their friends. Men need to learn the symptoms of mental illness, so that they can recognize it in themselves, but also in their friends.

      There was a great campaign in the UK on bar coasters, where it asked questions like, “are you feeling a lot more angrier than usual?”; “do you not enjoy the things you used to enjoy?”; “are you feeling like you don’t fit in with your friends?”. These are the type of questions men should be asking themselves.

      Depression isn’t only about sadness, and feeling weak, and something that only women experience. Depression is also increased anger and irritation. Feeling nothing. Decreased motivation. Just feeling off. Feeling like you don’t want to be with your friends, or that something is just different when you’re with them.

      We need to teach men that it’s ok to not be ok. That it’s ok to cry. That it’s ok to ask for help. And to seek professional help.

      The societal expectations of men are to be the heroes, the ones who stay strong for their families. But struggling with a mental illness leaves you feeling weak. And unable to take care of yourself, let alone your family. And because they’ve been raised to not talk about these feelings, and these fears of not living up to these societal expectations, all of these feelings are repressed and turned inwards. They may come out as anger or irritation, or the utter despair that leads to suicide.

      Men learn early on, that it’s not ok to be introspective, to journal to dissect your thoughts, so why would talk therapy work? Women spend hours talking to their friends to solve problems and to discuss their lives “ad nauseum”. But for men, when there is a problem, they are taught that they need to man up, and punch things and fight. But the fact is, you cannot punch your mental illness.

      We need to challenge the toxic masculinity that says we need to mock our friends for seeing a therapist, or for expressing emotions. Because that is what is causing the underrepresentation of male mental illness. Men are not doing well, and don’t want to express it to anyone for fear of being judged, or accused of “acting like a woman”.

      We need to raise our boys to teach them that it’s ok to cry, no matter what age they are. It’s ok to feel sad, but it’s also ok to feel lonely, to feel empty. But most importantly, we need to teach them that when life is too much, we should seek help, from our family, our friends, or professional help if that’s what we need.