It’s beginning to look a lot like F*%@ this

December 20, 2022 prettylittleleilaLeave a comment

I’m going to be honest. I love Christmas. I am one of those nerds who loves the magic of Christmas. And I try and make Christmas the most wonderful time of the year for my kids. We bake, we do secret Santa, we wrap our Christmas presents, we decorate the tree together, and Elfie runs amok at night. Christmas is magical, and family-oriented, and based in Christianity (for us).

Elf on the shelf on candy cane sled on staircase bannister — Elfie running amok

And if you had to ask me about Christmas growing up, I will tell you the same. Christmas was a magical time. We went to Noddy parties, we decorated the tree (including fake snow), we listened to Christmas music, we wrapped gifts for our family, and the Christmas food was untouchable.

But the truth is, as a child in my family, all credit for experiencing the magic of Christmas is on my mom. She made it special. There were a lot of challenges in my childhood, a lot of sadness around Christmas. We lost my grandfather a week before Christmas, most of my family is divorced, or blended families, family members have been ostracized for bad life choices. It’s a hotbed of family dysfunction. But all I remember is magic.

But being an adult, and having the ability to see that, is very different. So, although I would always come home for Christmas when I lived away from home as an adult, I did so because of my love of Christmas. But as an adult, I know there is no Christmas magic, so yes, it’s a lot harder.

Christmas as an adult means spending time with people we don’t necessarily get along with for the sake of “family”. It means returning to toxic environments and situations and being catapulted back to all those challenging childhood feelings – regressing almost. Adults have expectations loaded onto us, and responsibilities to be a grown up in all situations.

Needless to say, what I’m getting at, is that Christmas, or the festive season, is hard for many people. For some it’s not the obligation of seeing family you don’t want to, but actually, the loneliness of not having a family around, or grieving loved ones, financial burdens, fatigue from a hard year. The end of the year is an emotional minefield.

With this in mind, I have curated some tips for surviving festive (with your mental health intact)

Plan ahead

I used to love, and I mean love, shopping on Christmas Eve. It gave me a rush, which I now know was actually related to ADHD and needing that dopamine hit, by gamifying my Christmas shopping – will I have all my gifts by the time the shops close or not? But in reality, the buzz and overwhelm of all the Christmas specials, the decorations, the people, is a lot. So, it’s best to plan out your shopping, and give yourself a deadline early in December to finish your Christmas stuff, and then you can sit back and relax while the rush continues around you.

Also, plan out your time, so that you don’t have to accept every social event that comes across your whatsapp – make time for the people you want to see, but also time for yourself to rest and recuperate. And if you don’t want to host Christmas lunch because it will give you too much anxiety, don’t say yes out of obligation. Hold yourself accountable to yourself and say no for your own mental health.

Gift in Christmas wrapping — Secret Santa gifts

Set a budget and stick to it.

We all joke about Janu-worry, because we all overspend at Christmas time and then don’t know how we are going to make it to the end of January. We feel obligated to buy everyone gifts, and big gifts (I mean, it’s Christmas). We also feel obligated to go to all the social events we are invited to. So, budget your resources so that you don’t have the post-Christmas financial burden stressing you out, and also your own time and energy to rest and recover before you return to work/school/university in the new year

Christmas plates with biscuits, hot chocolate and apple — Treats for Santa and his reindeer

Tis the season

It’s festive! Which gives us reason to eat and drink more than we should, but it doesn’t count because it’s over the festive period. And then 1 January hits, and we are hit with guilt for putting on weight, and all the things you said at the work year end, or to your mother-in-law because you did take on Christmas lunch and got drunk to manage your stress.

So two things, we all know our limits, and how they make us feel. If you don’t want to stay in bed for an entire day, don’t drink so much that you are forced to, but if you do, don’t feel guilty, because what’s done is done, all you can do is rest, recuperate, and remember that tomorrow is another day. What I’m saying is that don’t beat yourself up for a few extra kilos, or one too many drinks. Just remember to be true to you, and what is good for you.

I’m sure you would have read it all over the internet when it comes to advice about looking after yourself: Set your boundaries, and stay true to them – don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Remember that even if the festive season is hard, it does have an end, this is not forever. And think of that when you are spiraling because of negative interactions. Also, make sure you make time for yourself – you can take proper time out like going to a movie, take yourself to coffee, go for a run, read a book. Do things that take you out of your head.

Manage relationships

Like I said before, Christmas can be challenging because you may be forced to interact with family you don’t necessarily want to. There are, however, ways of managing difficult family members, and difficult conversations that you don’t want to answer about your weight, non-spouse, lack of children, lack of success at work etc.

Think of answers to questions you expect to get, in advance, so you are prepared to answer and aren’t thrown off by questions out of left field. If you do get stuck in a difficult conversation about topics you’d rather not talk about, prepare exit statements, or ways of changing the subject. If you really cannot get out of the topic, suggest an activity to be able to move on, like ‘hey I need to go help set the table’ for example.

Mom and daughter with painted nails in red and green — Me and my daughter getting our nails done together

You can also start your own traditions, things that make you happy. Once my kids were old enough, I was able to start my own family traditions. Through this I’ve been able to preserve the magic of Christmas, as an adult. But your tradition could be watching a movie by yourself on the 26^th. Getting a special coffee by yourself on the 23^rd of December. It can be anything.

At the end of the day, Christmas is punted as a special magical happy family time, but for a lot of people it’s stressful, and lonely, and triggering. All we can do if we are obligated to be in situations we don’t want to be is to remember that we are in control of ourselves. We don’t have to engage in conversations or with people that we don’t want to. If we have left an event feeling deflated, we need to take time out for ourselves to return to ourselves, no matter what that looks like.

Be you, do you, love you.

Woman with earrings that look like baubles

Resources:

Surviving the Silly Season, 12 Tips for a Mentally Healthy Christmas

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/christmas-and-mental-health/christmas-coping-tips/

mental wellness

The Magic of Christmas:

December 23, 2020 prettylittleleilaLeave a comment

I’m going to be honest. I have always loved Christmas. Looking back on my childhood, I remember the magic of Christmas. From attending Noddy parties, and getting my first gift of the year from Father Christmas, and the fairy whom we have to help turn on the lights once the Golliwogs have switched them off. And then the search for the Christmas tree, and then decorating it, including using cotton wool to make snow. And when I was a little older, being able to write letters to Father Christmas to ask for what I wanted. Christmas movies. It really was a magical time.

But what I didn’t see was the challenging family dynamics that was underlying every Christmas lunch. My parents and aunts and uncles were all divorced, so it is a logistical nightmare to plan for the adults, because which year do the kids go to which parents. I very rarely saw my father’s side of the family, which looking back is a challenging dynamic in its own. His brother would also visit every year, and my ma refused to acknowledge his presence, a tension I felt then, but only understood once I was old enough. I rarely saw my sister for an extended period of time, which I only understand now was because she’s not a fan of Christmas, because of these difficult dynamics.

And as an adult, once the magic was gone, it really was gone. I have some difficult Christmases that I look back on, some where I’ve spent the afternoon crying, or where I spent the day angry with something my father did. Or the year where I just felt really bad for my niece because she bore the brunt of the difficulties my brother and father were experiencing. Christmas is not magical. It takes all those family dynamics we avoid for most of the year, and then amplifies it on that one day in the year where we are forced to spend hours together and share a meal.

Christmas is hard as an adult. We stress about having the perfect Christmas lunch, and buying the perfect gifts for everyone we love, and making sure we look good for that one day. The expense for that one day is astronomical, and doesn’t make sense, but we do it every year.

Christmas is a trigger for many people. It’s a time of severe loneliness for many people, where they are reminded of how lonely they are. It’s a time when we also remember the people we are not seeing because they are no longer with us.

But when we strip it all away, the real magic of Christmas lies in who we spend it with, and making sure that we spend our time with people who uplift us. And that we don’t feel obligated to see family that do not make us feel good about ourselves. We need to hold that boundary, and not allow an expectation of Christmas time being a family holiday, if our families only bring bad feelings. And acknowledge that it is ok to spend Christmas by yourself, and treat yourself to a special day. Eat a special meal, pamper yourself.

However you spend Christmas and the festive season, whether it’s with others or by yourself, but make sure at the end of the day you are doing things that uplift you and make feel good. This year, the best gift you can give yourself is self-care.

Look after yourself, and we’ll chat again in 2021.

mental wellness

A Letter to our Loved Ones

October 1, 2019 prettylittleleila1 Comment

(From the perspective of someone with Depression and Anxiety)

Dear Loved One/Carer,

I’m hoping this letter can help you understand what I go through daily.

Some days are good days. And on these days, I’m able to get out of bed, go to the gym, socialize. Do all the things. I don’ t know when these days will happen or how long they’ll be around.

Then there are the bad days. When I sometimes can’t get out of bed. I am unable to wash my hair, or have the energy to brush my teeth even. On these days, the list of things is sometimes longer. Anxiety tells me to do all the things. I have 5 different lists running through my mind. My rational mind knows I’m setting myself up for failure. But anxiety says it must be done, so I write lists. Depression on these days, tells me that I cannot do anything on that list. I have no energy. I’ll never get it done. It’s all impossible. What is the point of living? To do the things anxiety says. To what end depression says. So nothing gets done. I’m overwhelmed and in despair. And depleted and exhausted from doing nothing.

And if you find this hard, and confusing, imagine what it’s like not knowing how you’ll wake up in the morning. Sometimes, I go to bed with energy, planning out my day, setting up my gym clothes. Only to wake up, physically unable to get out of bed. That is depression.

Or I plan to run before my gym class. Because anxiety tells me that I have to do everything and be good at everything and lose weight and everything. And then I wake up late and I hate myself because all I got to do was the class. Anxiety has told me that I’ve failed.

What I need on the bad days is for you to sit with me. Not fix me, not solve the problems caused by anxiety and depression. Just be there. Just listen if I want to talk, or hold me if I need to cry.

On the good days, we can do all the things around the house, the grocery shopping, everything. All of the things. I have the energy and capacity on the good days.

Sometimes we’ll plan like tomorrow is a good day, but it doesn’t turn out that way. Then, we need to change our plans. Like if you plan to do the washing and you wake up and it’s raining. Change your plans. Not never do washing again.

Most importantly, I need you to try and understand my diagnosis. I can help you, but I need you to be open to hearing me talk about it. Sometimes sharing links to blogs, or websites that articulate how I am feeling is easier for me, and also it helps to normalize what I’m going through so that you understand my illness as an illness. I might not be ready to share everything directly related to me and my particular experience, but it’ll come, as I learn to trust.

Also important though, is that this is not only about me. You are you, with your own needs. Do not be afraid to express these. No relationship is going to function without both people sharing their needs, and having their needs met.

I know it’s hard living with me. Trust me, it’s hard for me to live with me too.

For both of us, it’s important that we support each other on this journey. It may be my recovery journey, but as I grow and change, you’ll be there along the way. As I learn about boundaries, we may test each other, but this is part of relationship building. The more I understand myself, and where I start and my diagnosis ends, the better I can help you understand the same.

I want you to know that I love you, and I appreciate you, even though it doesn’t always seem like it. Thank you for still being in my life. And thank you for being on my journey of recovery with me.

Love,

Your Loved One, who suffers with mental illness

* * *

Practical steps – Adapted from “The Depression Project”

We need people to sit and listen to us without judgement or criticism. You may have thoughts and opinions on what we’re going through, it may seem irrational to you, the solution may seem obvious. Trust me, it’s probably obvious to our rational minds too. But our rational minds are clouded by our illness. Help us centre, and clarify our thoughts, help us rationalize what we are going through, guide our thinking. Do not tell us we are irrational, or that we aren’t feeling what we say we’re feeling.

Check in with us, if we would like to do something. It is sometimes positive for us to go out for a walk, go for coffee, the movies. Something that will recharge us. And also it will help to get out of the space that we are in, the space that is causing difficulty.

Sometimes we are feeling too weighed down to do anything, maybe we would like something to comfort us. Maybe we just need a hug, something to drink or eat. In these situations, sometimes the smallest act of kindness can do the world of good.

If we are in a really dark space, and none of these are working, ask if we want you to sit with us, or if we want to be alone. If we want you to sit with us, that’s all we actually need. Just be there. It’ll help us to not feel alone, even though we are not ready to talk about anything. If we need you to leave, it’s not about you, we need the space to recharge, and deal with what is going on at this point in time.

* * *

Being related to someone with mental illness, or being in a friendship or relationship with someone who suffers with mental illness, can be really hard. It’s confusing, and you never know what to expect. What we need though is for you to be there, even in those difficult moments. Know that we are trying, and that we need your support and empathy. And most of all, and I cannot say this enough, is that we appreciate your presence in our lives, even though we don’t always have the words, or means to say so.