Category: mental health

Help me help you help me

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I’ve shared a part of my story before, but in light of this year’s World Mental Health Day theme of mental health in the workplace, I thought I would share my workplace story. What I’ve learnt about mental health in the workplace is that you have to know your rights, fight for them, and for yourself, so that you are able to thrive because you deserve it.

A couple of years ago, I found myself in a situation where I was on maternity leave with my son, and we had found out that he had 2 holes in his heart, and then roughly 3 months after that I was retrenched. It was during all of these challenges, that I found my psychologist, and I went to her because you know, retrenchment and health of your children can stress a person out. (I mean, meanwhile, what was actually going on was decades of untreated trauma)

I eventually started a new job, and after a year of being in the job (and in therapy), I was struggling to stay on top of my work, because what I learnt about myself in therapy, was about how my other life difficulties were impacting my “at work” self, and making it hard for me to focus on succeeding at work (a residual effect of the retrenchment and child health stuff). Which tends to happen with mental health conditions – is that they are not isolated. It’s not like, “Cool, you will only be depressed, at home, on a Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday”. No, it’s all the time, and in every sphere of life. So if you cannot get your homelife timetable together, because you are too depressed to care about anything, how would you get your work life timetable together?

My manager knew I was in treatment for Anxiety and Depression, and he was very understanding and gave me the flexibility to go to therapy during the day, and was very understanding when I needed time off.

Eventually, though, my lack of performance at work led to me being disciplined, and at the same time, my psychologist recommended that I be admitted to a clinic, because I was not mentally healthy, and needed some more serious, everyday mental health care.  

When I returned to work, my manager tried to take me off the performance improvement plan, because he figured that clearly not all is right in Whoville if I am being admitted. But the problem is. The business was not as understanding. His manager, who would be managing me, once he left the company, felt that my mental health issues and me not performing a work were unrelated. And the fact that I was now back at work, and no longer in a clinic meant that I was fit for work, so therefore, still had to “stand trial” for everything that happened during my depressive episode, prior to the clinic stay. Because you know, it’s isolated.

While at the clinic, I was diagnosed with ADHD, and that also explained my lack of meeting deadlines and challenges with prioritising etc, and I tried to sit with this new manager and explain to her, that I didn’t know I was fighting a battle last year, and now I know what I’m working with. And she was like cool, we’ll incorporate that into your performance improvement plan. Not, ooooh, I see, let’s take you off the PIP, and see if your performance improves and if not, then put you back on the PIP. In her mind, people underperform, and therefore, they have to suffer the consequences, regardless of the reasons for underperformance.

And that is the biggest challenge to employers, is to know that it’s not about ignoring failings, because yes, employees are paid to do their jobs. But what is required, is just a little bit of understanding. Because in my situation, all I needed was for a manager to go, let’s try and see how you do now that you have received some mental health help, and know that you have ADHD. And if I continued to underperform, I would have accepted the consequences, but I wasn’t given an opportunity to show my true potential, my true self, my accommodated self. I was rated against my struggling self, and forced to meet up to the standards of everyone who wasn’t struggling.

I managed to find help in the business through our mental health ambassador who helped me to have the right conversations with my managers about reasonable accommodations and to help them understand how my anxiety and depression showed up at work, and what supports I needed. And what I learnt from this experience was to always stand up for yourself and your rights, even when everyone around you is fighting against you.

Totes Traums

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When you think of trauma, what do you think of? Do you think of moving house? Or do you think of death? Or war? Or do you think of growing up with a drug addicted parent? What about never being hugged as a child? 

One definition that I’ve read is that psychological trauma is a response to an event that a person finds stressful. That is why many people can experience the same event but only some of them are traumatised by the event and others manage to brush it off. Because like Gabor Mate says, “Trauma is not what happens to you. Trauma is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you”. The experience is personal, it relates to what you are able to handle, and what you find stressful. That is why you shouldn’t feel shame that you are struggling to cope, but others who went through the same thing, or worse, are seemingly fine. Because psychological trauma relates to how you feel inside. 

So how do we respond to trauma? What does it look like? 

There are the relatively well-known responses, which include Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn. Fight can be described as the person staying to fight the challenge, and this can look like aggression or bullying when it’s unhealthy, or assertiveness, or standing up for yourself when it is healthy. Flight is where the person responds by avoiding the conflict by leaving the situation, and this can be unhealthy if the person never actually deals with what is happening, by disassociating, but can be healthy where the person leaves a situation that is unhealthy, for example, in domestic violence situations. 

Additionally, trauma responses which are not as well-known are freeze, which is where the person is unable to act, they struggle to make decisions, or do anything. When this is unhealthy is when the person completely shuts down and does not engage in relationships, or refuses to act when they need to, however, this is healthy in situations where were the person to take on all the emotions of the situation, they would be overwhelmed because they are not ready to deal with what is happening. The fawn response is more known as people pleasing, because in response to conflict or challenge the person will do anything to appease other people. This is unhealthy when they forego their own needs or identity in favour of the other person, but it can be healthy where compassion and empathy are needed in the situation. 

So what can you do to manage your triggers or trauma? 

  1. Get your body moving – I’ve spoken about it before, but any form of body movement helps with managing  your mental health when you are struggling. It helps you get out of your head, but also helps you process the feelings within your body. 
  2. Try not to isolate, although it may be preferred. Talk to people that you trust, because it can help you process what you are feeling, and there are the benefits of social interaction that help to manage your mental health. Sometimes it is better to be with a group of people to ensure that the interaction is light if that’s what you need. Speak to a professional if you need to, and if you have access to one. 
  3. Self-regulate through mindfulness, or grounding, or sensory activities. Meditation can do wonders for managing troubling thoughts by focusing on being in the present moment and what you are experiencing right now. Grounding is a useful technique to use especially if you have been triggered and are experiencing a panic attack. 
  4. Look after your health. Eat healthily, get enough sleep, manage stress as best you can. 
  5. Find your safe space – it could be literal depending on where you experienced trauma, or it could be someone you trust, and who is supportive and understanding. 
  6. Feel your emotions. This is not always something that we want to do – it’s uncomfortable, and unpleasant, but it’s so important for healing. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, sense where you experience it in your body, and through that you can help yourself heal. You don’t have to fully integrate the why, just know the what and the where. You can address the why when you are ready, and when you have help. 
  7. Get to know your triggers. If you can, you can manage these by avoiding them, but what is important is to know what they are so that if you aren’t able to avoid them, then use techniques like breathing meditations, grounding, use sensory items. 
  8. Give yourself time. Healing trauma isn’t an immediate thing, it will take time to work through your emotions, and to process the experience, and it will take a lot of work and time to ease the impact of the trauma. So don’t judge yourself if it’s been years and you’re still not “over it”. It’s ok, the impact of trauma can be visceral and not easily or quickly dealt with. 
  9. Find ways to relax – what are the things that you enjoy? Being in nature, dancing, watching light-hearted TV, reading, writing, colouring. Anything that can put your mind, and body, at ease. 
  10. Build a routine. Consistency is what you need to feel like yourself again. Maybe the routine is different from the one you had before, but it’s important that you have that certainty about what will happen daily, and that you have something to focus on. 

Have self-compassion if you are working through a trauma – it’s ok to take a long time, to struggle with the impact of the trauma. Focus on the small steps, or just the impact on your body as a start. Little things each day. 

Resources:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/trauma/coping-with-trauma/

Four Types of Trauma Response

I’m not who you think I am

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My Imposter Syndrome is so bad, that I didn’t even think I was good enough to have a mental health condition.

I remember the first time I met my psychologist, and she asked why I was there, and I told her, “You know… Champagne problems”. Despite, in the same year, getting retrenched while on maternity leave, having a pregnancy where my son was at risk of heart failure, then being born with a hole in his heart. Those really are not Champagne problems. But I didn’t think I deserved to have mental illness. 

And then when she took my history and I revealed my parent’s divorce, my mother’s miscarriages, growing up with a father in a different city, being born during Apartheid, losing my grandfather whom I was close to, changing schools at age 9, and going to a school that was formerly a Model C and being one of very few girls of colour, having a minor operation including going under general anaesthetic, and that was just ages 3-9. So these are not Champagne problems – these give me a score of 8/10 on the ACE test (that measures trauma).

What I later realised was that I went to therapy because I had serious self-love challenges, and we worked on getting me to not think of myself as an unlovable screw up for the first few months. And when we spoke about relationships and friendships, she would also tell me that I have these great characteristics, that would make a great friend. And I remember a year in, saying to her, “Do you get why I’m an unlovable screw-up yet?” No, she didn’t. And that is what Imposter Syndrome does. 

It makes you believe that you are not as amazing, as you actually are. 

Imposter syndrome is defined as having self-doubt of your intelligence, skills and abilities, and achievements. Even if you have achieved things in the past, if you are struggling with imposter syndrome, you are unable to internalise those achievements as an indication of your abilities. So what happens is that you believe that even if other people believe that you are a success right now, eventually they will realise that you are actually a fraud and not as great as they previously believed.

Imposter syndrome holds you back from the self-confidence that you deserve, based on all the efforts you have put in to achieve what you have achieved, no matter how big or small these goals or achievements are. 

Recognising imposter syndrome in yourself (Verywellmind.com): 

  • Being unable to realistically view your skills
  • Attributing all your success to external factors
  • Always feeling as though your performance was not good enough
  • Fearing that you cannot live up to expectations
  • Being an overachiever
  • Being a self-sabotager
  • Having self-doubt (especially if those around you wonder why)
  • Setting very challenging goals and feeling like a failure when you are unable to achieve them

So what do you do, if you think that you have Imposter Syndrome? You need to acknowledge that the reason you are experiencing self-doubt relates back to your feelings of self-worth and your core beliefs about yourself. What narratives are you telling yourself about who you are? 

Here are some tips for combating your imposter syndrome:

  • Listen to the voice that is telling you that you are not good enough – you need to be aware of when it is speaking up. (you don’t have to believe it, you just have to acknowledge it’s there)
  • Realistically consider the evidence for your self-doubt. One suggestion is to write down evidence that you are inadequate in one column, and in the other column, evidence that you are competent. 
  • Review your values, because Imposter Syndrome is focused on achievement orientation, which is great as long as it’s not impacting you negatively – and self-doubt is a reason to relook your values, and focus on things that are not overly achievement focused
  • Consider your definition of growth and what it means to you – if your perfectionism as a result of imposter syndrome is stopping you from improving, or growing or changing because you are afraid of making a mistake, it’s time to reframe what that means to you. Are you growing? 
  • Get out of your head – write down all the thoughts about your perceived failures, or chat through them with a friend, or professional. It can help to to get a different perspective. 
  • Have self-compassion for yourself, and that voice in your head. It’s been through a lot to have to protect itself with self-doubt. Try not to beat yourself up for feeling like a fake. You know why you doubt yourself now, so now you can work on it, and give yourself credit for working on yourself.
  • Know that failure is a part of life. Reframe how you feel about failure, there is no learning if there is no failing, and considering personal growth from this perspective can help you accept failure as part of the effort, instead of fearing it. 
  • Mindfulness helps you to be in the present moment, to acknowledge your thoughts, consider why you think them, and to accept the feelings around the thoughts. Spending some time in meditation each day helps us become aware of ourselves and feelings and helps us be in the moment instead of being overly focused on the future or obsessing about the past. 
  • Get feedback from people in your support network – people whose opinions you can trust, and know that they want what is best for you. 

At the end of the day, know that you have value, and that when we measure our value against external things that could change, it tends to lead to more moments of self-doubt. We need to learn to accept ourselves for who we are and acknowledge that we have value, regardless of what is valued by society and the world around us. 

Resources used in this post:

https://www.betterup.com/blog/what-is-imposter-syndrome-and-how-to-avoid-it

https://www.verywellmind.com/imposter-syndrome-and-social-anxiety-disorder-4156469

You do you Boo

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If you had met me about 10 years ago, part of my self-description would include triathlete. On a whim in 2011, I decided to do a triathlon, and managed to achieve the goal with the support of my sister-coach, my fellow tri-lady and family and friends. I enjoy the sport so much because it appeals to my (then undiagnosed) ADHD mind which just cannot stick to one sport.

Completing my first triathlon

I managed to complete a few triathlons, and then I fell pregnant for the first time. Throughout my pregnancy though, I tried to upkeep the swim bike run training, which eventually became swim walk training, because being a triathlete was so entrenched in who I am.

And then I just stopped. And all I did was mother, and worked, and occasionally saw my friends.

And then fell pregnant again… having to mother more, and after being retrenched, finding a job and feeling the need to work harder so that it doesn’t happen again.

And I didn’t pick up triathlon again. Does that mean I’m not a triathlete? Is it no longer a part of my identity?

And I spent the next few years trying to figure out who I am, and learning to love myself. The moment I stopped doing things like triathlon is the moment I told myself that who I am mattered less than who others need me to be.

Completing Sanlam mile swim in 2019 – getting back to myself slowly

It’s been a struggle to get back there, to put myself first. My children grew up into tiny humans with their own stuff, and they needed me to be there, and I wanted to be a part of their sports and activities.

What I realised last year was that being their mom didn’t have to stop me from being Leila: the writer, triathlete, blogger, lover of coffee and cupcakes.

And so began my journey back to myself.

Completing my first 10km since becoming a mom

I set myself the goal of completing a triathlon, I found an accountability partner and a training plan, and set off to achieve that goal.

And on the 5th of November 2023, I completed it.

Achieving my goal at Tinman triseries

I feel like I have returned to myself. It is in that moment of accomplishment that I felt like Leila again. I did something for myself. For my own reasons.

And I think that’s the important lesson for me in this. That we need to have self-integrity. That we know ourselves, and in our journey to loving ourselves, we stay true to who we are, we do what is important to us. Most importantly, we do what we say we are going to do.

“I will do a triathlon.”

And I did.

Part of your self-love journey needs to include being true to yourself, and having that self-integrity to do what you say you are going to do.

It took me 9 years to learn that and stick to it, but I did it.

And I encourage you to do the same, whatever that thing is that makes you you. Make sure that you carve out time for it, even in the chaos of life. 

Is Hustle culture worth it?

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When I was born, my mother was forced to stop working for a year because she gave birth. It was quite hard time for women to be working, they were allowed to work, but there were still subject to sexism if they gave birth, they were unlikely to be promoted, and company boards were all male.

So, as women, we had to work twice as hard as men to be seen as half as good. It’s ingrained in me to work hard, because at some point I’m going to give birth, be moody during PMS, cry because I’m angry, wear an outfit that is sexualised by colleagues, so my work has to work that much harder to have value.

And yes, the world has changed quite a lot since my mother quit working to give birth, and yes sexism is not as prevalent, and sure there are companies led by women, but still, all of us believe in hustle culture.

We always have to be working hard. Once you’re done working on your day job, what is your side hustle? Work work work work work (Rihanna said it best). And if you don’t, you won’t succeed, you won’t afford the life you want, or be able to keep up with the school moms (formerly called the Joneses).

But is it healthy?

Not only have we seen an increase in non-communicable diseases since the advent of hustle culture, but we’ve seen an exponential increase in stress-related illnesses, both physical and mental. But for all us millennials out there (especially the elder millennials), we cannot shake this. We have to work hard always. We will even work when we’re on sick leave. We’ll send emails from our kids sports’ matches.

And even for those of you out there who don’t take your day job as seriously, no doubt you have some side hustle that you are trying to get going so that you can quit that day job that you don’t take so seriously. So you aren’t actually resting (even if you aren’t a work nerd like us).

True rest is doing things that don’t require your brain to work in overdrive (dictionary definition of hustle).

If you’ve trained for a race, you will know that in your last week before your race, you have to taper your training, rest your body to allow it to recover so that it has optimal energy to perform in your race. And it’s the same for life.

You have to spend some time slowing down, smelling the roses, enjoying life for fun’s sake. YOLO is not about living a chaotic life that moves from moment to moment, always being busy, or engaging in risky behaviour.

Knowing that you only have one life to live should be about making sure you live it right, that you are able to enjoy it. So give yourself moments of calm, time for reflection, meditation, enjoyment.

It’s ok to not always be hustling.

We need to make time for mental, and physical recovery. And slowing down doesn’t mean poor performance, it means, conserving energy and building up stores for optimal performance later on.

Rest and recovery and not hustling hard er’ry day doesn’t mean underperforming, it means giving your body time to heal, and recover to be able to do better tomorrow. So that you can perform at your best.

Our bodies need nutritious eating, water, sufficient sleep, to operate optimally, and this improves your mental health too. Part of that should be making time for things like meditation, and spending time outdoors in nature, getting enough sunshine, connecting with others, and just doing things you enjoy.

What are you going to do to give your mind and body the rest it needs?

Mental health conditions are more than Anxiety and Depression

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While depression is statistically the most common mental health conditions that people around the world have experience with, and when we talk to mental health, there is an underlying understanding that yes, we are referring to depression, or anxiety. A lot of celebrities are talking about their struggles with depression, or suicidality. There is a lot of awareness and information on social media and the internet around depression and anxiety to the point that these are synonymous with “mental wellness”.

But they are not the only ones.

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar is characterised as having alternating experiences of depressive episodes with periods of manic episodes. There are different types of Bipolar depending on whether the person experiences a manic episode or hypomania and a depressive episode. During a depressive episode, the person will experience feelings of sadness and hopelessness, fatigue, memory loss, changes in appetite or difficulty concentrating. An episode of mania or hypomania, by contrast, is characterised by excessive talking, racing thoughts, hostility, little sleep, overconfidence in abilities and risky behaviour, including excessive spending and risky sexual behaviour.

Bipolar does need to be diagnosed by a medical professional, and there is no cure, but it can be managed with medication. It can be quite a difficult experience for the person experiencing these episodes for the first time, and it can be very confusing.

Schizophrenia

Commonly misunderstood as a person who has “multiple personalities”, and colloquially, people refer to poor decision-making as “being schizophrenic” as a result of this.

What Schizophrenia is actually characterised as, is a person has thoughts and experiences that seem out of touch with reality, coupled with disorganised speech, thoughts or behaviour and then also the person starts to show a disinterest in day-to-day life. Other symptoms and signs can include feelings of paranoia, suspicion or fear, unusually slow movements or speech, emotionless facial expressions or speech and isolating behaviours.

This is one of those mental health conditions that needs to be diagnosed and managed with a healthcare professional. There is a high risk of suicide with this group, and a high percentage of homelessness and drug abuse amongst people who struggle with Schizophrenia. It can be very challenging to manage, and while I don’t know many people who are able to live full lives with Schizophrenia, I do know that it is possible.

Obsessive-compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Another mental health condition that gets a bad rap in the media, and everyone who thinks that they are incredibly neat and organised refer to themselves as “OCD”, meanwhile the actual condition is actually quite difficult to live with and is not a cute minimalist way of living.

To actually be diagnosed with OCD, a person needs to struggle with intrusive thoughts which are defined as obsessions, and these thoughts need to lead repetitive behaviours, which are the compulsions. The person feels that they need to perform these behaviours and if not, then something bad will happen – which is part of the intrusive thoughts.

Also something that needs to be diagnosed and managed with a healthcare professional to be able to live a full life, despite these intrusive thoughts.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

There is a misconception that only soldiers experience PTSD, however, any experience of trauma can result in PTSD. Secondly, the definition of trauma is a lot broader than we typically understand. Trauma can be a family home where parents fight a lot, lack of emotional connection with family, moving house, surgery, racism etc. While not a formally a DSM-V diagnosis, complex PTSD is a consistent experience of emotional neglect and other similar experiences and the symptoms are the same as PTSD as a result of a singular traumatic event.

Dissociative identity disorder (DID)

Not only has this been misdiagnosed amongst society as Schizophrenia, but also there have been many movies that have demonised people who struggle with DID. In all these Hollywood imaginings of DID, there is always a serial killer hiding in the mind of a mild mannered man, who is responsible for killing or kidnapping innocent victims. But in reality, any person who needs to dissociate has very real trauma that they need to protect themselves from experiencing, which is the basis of DID. When a person experiences a severe trauma, that they cannot emotionally manage without falling apart completely, so they develop different identities to hide behind, to avoid experiencing trauma in its entirety. It’s a protective mechanism, not a mode of taking out a violent tendencies on the world.

Autism

A couple of years ago, I was reading that infamous article which tried to convince people to not vaccinate their children, because vaccinations cause Autism… but you know what’s worse than Autism? Death. The fact that this article managed to scare people into not vaccinating showed the poor understanding that the world had of people who have Autism.

Autism is characterised by differences in how the brain is structured, which shows up in differences in socialisation and interactions with other people and the world at large. They can still have a quality of life if they receive societal understanding, educational and employment support.

If Autism is diagnosed early, the child can receive the right supports that they need to live a full life. Parenting is significantly more difficult, but as society at large we need to understand that Autism is a form of neurodivergence and learn to appreciate that anyone with Autism just has a different way of viewing and interacting with the world.

Overall, when we speak about mental health, and mental health conditions, we need to remember that there are people who are experiencing different types of struggles, and to learn to be supportive and non-judgemental. Even if someone is struggling with something other than depression and anxiety.

Reply to a suicide note that wasn’t sent

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Two hands holding

Dear present me,

Yes, you feel hopeless, and yes you feel trapped and like nothing is changing. You consistently scream out “when do I catch a break, life?”. Life is hard (not generically), but your life is hard. And I see you running out of energy to get through each day. I see you crying while driving to work. I see you fighting back the tears, and instead dancing and singing with your kids in the car, trying to find moments of joy amidst your sadness.

And in these moments where you don’t want to wake up in the morning, I want you to remember the people that do want you to wake up. You may feel lonely, and I see that, but there are people who don’t want to live without you. And when you feel like this, it’s hard to see the people whose faces light up when they see you. But they are there.

And all I want to say to you, is that if you can just push through these feelings, and try and focus on the next 5 minutes only. Take a moment to breathe, and listen to your breath enter your body, feel it flow through your lungs, move through your body, and then feel it leave, with all the toxins, and all the challenging feelings. Feel the release of the heaviness, even if it’s just for these 5 minutes, and you have to try again later.

Continue to find those moments of joy in your day. Sing out loud in the car. Dance with your kids. Do some night time yoga. Watch some silly, irreverent, TV. Go for a coffee. Play tennis. Meet a friend. Go swimming. Journal. Read. Colour. Write. Ask for help.

Whatever you do, or feel, drag yourself into these things that bring you enjoyment. The point of them is just to bring you outside of your head. Where it is not dark, where it just is. And to bask in just being for a moment.

From,

Future me

SADAG suicide hotline. Available 24 hours, in 11 languages: 0800 567 567

It’s beginning to look a lot like F*%@ this

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I’m going to be honest. I love Christmas. I am one of those nerds who loves the magic of Christmas. And I try and make Christmas the most wonderful time of the year for my kids. We bake, we do secret Santa, we wrap our Christmas presents, we decorate the tree together, and Elfie runs amok at night. Christmas is magical, and family-oriented, and based in Christianity (for us).

Elf on the shelf on candy cane sled on staircase bannister
Elfie running amok

And if you had to ask me about Christmas growing up, I will tell you the same. Christmas was a magical time. We went to Noddy parties, we decorated the tree (including fake snow), we listened to Christmas music, we wrapped gifts for our family, and the Christmas food was untouchable.

But the truth is, as a child in my family, all credit for experiencing the magic of Christmas is on my mom. She made it special. There were a lot of challenges in my childhood, a lot of sadness around Christmas. We lost my grandfather a week before Christmas, most of my family is divorced, or blended families, family members have been ostracized for bad life choices. It’s a hotbed of family dysfunction. But all I remember is magic.

But being an adult, and having the ability to see that, is very different. So, although I would always come home for Christmas when I lived away from home as an adult, I did so because of my love of Christmas. But as an adult, I know there is no Christmas magic, so yes, it’s a lot harder.

Christmas as an adult means spending time with people we don’t necessarily get along with for the sake of “family”. It means returning to toxic environments and situations and being catapulted back to all those challenging childhood feelings – regressing almost. Adults have expectations loaded onto us, and responsibilities to be a grown up in all situations.

Needless to say, what I’m getting at, is that Christmas, or the festive season, is hard for many people. For some it’s not the obligation of seeing family you don’t want to, but actually, the loneliness of not having a family around, or grieving loved ones, financial burdens, fatigue from a hard year. The end of the year is an emotional minefield.

With this in mind, I have curated some tips for surviving festive (with your mental health intact)

  • Plan ahead

I used to love, and I mean love, shopping on Christmas Eve. It gave me a rush, which I now know was actually related to ADHD and needing that dopamine hit, by gamifying my Christmas shopping – will I have all my gifts by the time the shops close or not? But in reality, the buzz and overwhelm of all the Christmas specials, the decorations, the people, is a lot. So, it’s best to plan out your shopping, and give yourself a deadline early in December to finish your Christmas stuff, and then you can sit back and relax while the rush continues around you.

Also, plan out your time, so that you don’t have to accept every social event that comes across your whatsapp – make time for the people you want to see, but also time for yourself to rest and recuperate. And if you don’t want to host Christmas lunch because it will give you too much anxiety, don’t say yes out of obligation. Hold yourself accountable to yourself and say no for your own mental health.

Gift in Christmas wrapping
Secret Santa gifts
  • Set a budget and stick to it.

We all joke about Janu-worry, because we all overspend at Christmas time and then don’t know how we are going to make it to the end of January. We feel obligated to buy everyone gifts, and big gifts (I mean, it’s Christmas). We also feel obligated to go to all the social events we are invited to. So, budget your resources so that you don’t have the post-Christmas financial burden stressing you out, and also your own time and energy to rest and recover before you return to work/school/university in the new year

Christmas plates with biscuits, hot chocolate and apple
Treats for Santa and his reindeer
  • Tis the season

It’s festive! Which gives us reason to eat and drink more than we should, but it doesn’t count because it’s over the festive period. And then 1 January hits, and we are hit with guilt for putting on weight, and all the things you said at the work year end, or to your mother-in-law because you did take on Christmas lunch and got drunk to manage your stress.

So two things, we all know our limits, and how they make us feel. If you don’t want to stay in bed for an entire day, don’t drink so much that you are forced to, but if you do, don’t feel guilty, because what’s done is done, all you can do is rest, recuperate, and remember that tomorrow is another day. What I’m saying is that don’t beat yourself up for a few extra kilos, or one too many drinks. Just remember to be true to you, and what is good for you.

I’m sure you would have read it all over the internet when it comes to advice about looking after yourself: Set your boundaries, and stay true to them – don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Remember that even if the festive season is hard, it does have an end, this is not forever. And think of that when you are spiraling because of negative interactions. Also, make sure you make time for yourself – you can take proper time out like going to a movie, take yourself to coffee, go for a run, read a book. Do things that take you out of your head.

  • Manage relationships

Like I said before, Christmas can be challenging because you may be forced to interact with family you don’t necessarily want to. There are, however, ways of managing difficult family members, and difficult conversations that you don’t want to answer about your weight, non-spouse, lack of children, lack of success at work etc.

Think of answers to questions you expect to get, in advance, so you are prepared to answer and aren’t thrown off by questions out of left field. If you do get stuck in a difficult conversation about topics you’d rather not talk about, prepare exit statements, or ways of changing the subject. If you really cannot get out of the topic, suggest an activity to be able to move on, like ‘hey I need to go help set the table’ for example.

Mom and daughter with painted nails in red and green
Me and my daughter getting our nails done together

You can also start your own traditions, things that make you happy. Once my kids were old enough, I was able to start my own family traditions. Through this I’ve been able to preserve the magic of Christmas, as an adult. But your tradition could be watching a movie by yourself on the 26th. Getting a special coffee by yourself on the 23rd of December. It can be anything.

At the end of the day, Christmas is punted as a special magical happy family time, but for a lot of people it’s stressful, and lonely, and triggering. All we can do if we are obligated to be in situations we don’t want to be is to remember that we are in control of ourselves. We don’t have to engage in conversations or with people that we don’t want to. If we have left an event feeling deflated, we need to take time out for ourselves to return to ourselves, no matter what that looks like.

Be you, do you, love you.

Woman with earrings that look like baubles

Resources:

Surviving the Silly Season, 12 Tips for a Mentally Healthy Christmas

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/christmas-and-mental-health/christmas-coping-tips/

Get real

prettylittleleilaLeave a comment

I recently went on a bit of a rant with a friend, complaining about people who are not transparent or open, and how I’m just authentic to a fault and it’s important to me but maybe not to everyone else. But what I’ve learnt though, in the last few months, is the importance of authenticity within your mental health journey.

It was in a moment where I was joking with a colleague (followed by me questioning why I was oversharing to such a degree), about how I keep myself so busy to avoid my feelings. And then my psychologist red-carded me for doing the same with my therapy. So there it was. I avoid my feelings. And that is one of the things that was making my mental health journey inauthentic and stagnated.

I put a lot of work into my self-esteem and self-love journey, but for me to start healing in a big way, I need to stop running and start acknowledging those feelings.

Cartoon of characters representing different emotions in Inside Out movie.
Inside Out movie

We always hear how we have to be true to ourselves, but what exactly does that even mean? I was called out for not have “self-integrity” and while I consider myself to have a lot of integrity in normal everyday life, I was forced to admit that that was true.

It comes from being a people pleaser. We do and say whatever we think the other person wants to hear. And we deny ourselves. Zero integrity for self. Because what if what they are saying is against your values? What if it’s in direct contravention of your beliefs? Why are you not standing up for what you believe in?

And when it comes to your feelings, and your needs – are you denying these? Are you allowing the feelings and needs of others to be more important to yours, and thereby, denying yourself feeling your feelings? Are your behaviours in line with your values, and what you believe in and your needs and feelings?

For example, I hurt my wrist recently, and instead of resting, I have been doing all the things, because I don’t want people to think that I’m lazy or unhelpful. But the reality is, I am denying myself the healing process.

Woman posing with flowing dress.
What depression looks like – me looking happy just before a psychiatric clinic admission

And it’s the same with being our authentic selves and staying true to what we need. If we go against what we truly need in a moment, we are not being authentic towards ourselves. We are denying ourselves. And we don’t always consciously do it, sometimes, we do it out of habit, fears of rocking the boat, fears of not being liked. But if it costs our mental health, it’s not worth it.

And it’s not about being mean, or cruel, or hurting others – it’s just about staying true to yourself. So, if you need to rest on the weekend, and a friend invites you out, say that you cannot join, because your need is for rest and recovery. And that is more important than doing something for someone else’s reasons, and neglecting yourself.

A couple of years ago, a movie poster had the subtitle, “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything”, and while it’s a cliché, I’ve never forgotten it. I was forced to remember it in this moment where I realized that the people pleaser within me was falling for anything. And for someone who has convictions as strong as I do, that was a hard pill to swallow.

Standing up for ourselves feels mean to us, because we spent our entire lives being mean to ourselves, by not standing up for ourselves.

I am pledging to look after my own needs and emotions. If I feel down, I am going to allow myself the space to feel that emotion, even though it may not be accepted by the people around me. I am not going to pretend to be happy just to appease everyone else. I need to experience the emotion to work through it.

I pledge to be truly authentic.

Your words cut deeper than a knife

prettylittleleilaLeave a comment

Self-injury or self-harm, or cutting, is such a complex topic to discuss. It’s confusing if you don’t engage in it but you find out that your friends, or children, or loved ones engage in the act. Is it a suicide attempt? Is it attention seeking? Are they trying to follow some trend from social media? Why would anyone want to harm themselves?

And the simple answer is that self-harm is a way of releasing overwhelming emotion or a way of feeling something in the absence of emotion.

bandaged wrists, pulling sleeves down to hide

What is self-harm?

In moments of deep distress or emotional pain, some people engage in an act of self-injury. The type of act varies, and it can be cutting themselves, scratching at skin, burning skin, preventing an old injury from healing, hitting themselves against walls, pulling hair, getting into fights knowing they’ll get hurt, or any manner of causing harm to themselves. Any act, in fact that causes some sort of physical harm, it can even include the misuse of alcohol and drugs and unsafe sexual behaviour, or overeating and undereating.

Self-injury isn’t in and of itself a mental illness, but it is usually a behaviour resulting from depression, anxiety, or trauma, which would need professional help. And because there is a lot of shame and guilt and embarrassment in the act of self-injury, the person might not be able to open up at all about the behaviour out of fear of judgement or angering or disappointing family and friends, but in fact they may need to so that they can get the help they need.

Why do people self-harm?

One of the most common reasons for engaging in self-injury is deal with difficult emotions like guilt, self-hatred or emptiness. Related to this, people engage in self-harm to express feelings that cannot be put into words or to release pain or tension.

Sometimes, this is an act to feel something, anything, when the person is struggling with emotional numbness, or is feeling derealization (which is a feeling disconnected from the world), or feelings of dissociation (feeling disconnected from themself).

Other reasons are for a person to distract themselves from challenging life circumstances, or to prevent themselves from doing something that is more damaging. It’s also a way for them to feel in control of out-of-control life circumstances. Another reason can be a way for people to punish themselves.

Whatever the reason for a person wanting to harm themselves, we need to validate these feelings, and learn what is the reason for self-injury, and understand what is causing them to engage in this behaviour. Ultimately whether it is to feel control, to communicate emotion, to punish or to feel something, we need to help them feel seen, and understood. It’s important for them to have someone they can turn to because then next time, maybe they won’t need to engage in self-harm to release the pain, maybe they can speak to someone to address what is at the core of the need to hurt themselves, or to get professional help.

There are a number of difficult experiences that can result in a person using self-injury to manage their emotional distress. For example, work or school pressures, bullying, low self-esteem, financial difficulties, abuse (physical, emotional, sexual), bereavement, homophobia or transphobia, relationship difficulties, loss of a job, stress etc.

Myths debunked

Myth: It’s attention-seeking

Fact: While the area of self-injury may be visible to others, the act itself causes a lot of shame and embarrassment, so no it’s not attention-seeking. No one who engages in self-harm actually wants you to notice. That being said, what I have come to realise in my therapeutic journey, is that yes, maybe the person is “seeking attention”, but not in the negative connotated way we understand. When someone engages in self-harm, there is trauma there, or some kind of emotional distress, and maybe they don’t have the words to say I need help, and this act is all they can do to say, please see that I am hurting and in need of help.

Myth: They want to kill themselves

Fact: Usually the injury is too minor to actually cause any mortal harm, and the reason for self-injury is to release emotional pain, or address emotional numbing, or punishment, not a desire for suicide. Although that being said, it is important to note that this act is usually related to trauma, or depression, or anxiety, or other mental illneses, and the person could be experiencing serious emotional hurt that they may be suicidal, but the act of self-injury itself is not necessarily a suicide attempt.

Myth: They are crazy or dangerous

Fact: Not crazy, but yes, most likely suffering with a mental illness like depression or anxiety. Anyone engaging in self-injury is hurting more than anything, and struggling with life, or some kind of difficulty.

Myth: The wounds are not bad therefore it’s not that bad

Fact: Engaging in an act of purposefully hurting yourself is bad enough, whether or not that is a surface wound, or an injury that requires stitches. Most people who engage in self-injury will need to learn a healthier coping mechanism to deal with emotional overwhelm.

wrist with win no scars, and wrist with lose with self-harm scars

What to do if someone I know is self-harming

Deal with your own emotions first – you need to acknowledge your feelings which might include anger or disgust before you address the act of self-harm. There is a lot of guilt and shame surrounding self-harm, and the emotions related to why the person would self-harm, so do not approach them if you are feeling anger or disgust

Learn about the problem – it’s confusing and mysterious. So find out everything you can about self-harm before you speak to them. It will also help you deal with any feelings of discomfort if you have an understanding of self-injury

Don’t judge – try and avoid any type of judgment or criticism. This type of reaction will only make the situation worse, and create more guilt and shame which will start the self-injury cycle all over again.

Offer support, not ultimatums – If you want to help, be available as a person who is willing to listen to the persons’ problems, and who is willing to help them find solutions to their emotional distress. Express concern about what they are doing, but offer to help. And make sure that they know you are available whenever they need to talk. Self-harm can be a lonely and isolated road, and anyone would want to know that they have someone there for them

Encourage communication – Encourage them to express their feelings, that you are offering a safe space for them to share how they are feeling, so that they do not have to use self-injury to release those emotions.

Remember that self-harm is usually part of a larger condition, relating to the emotional distress, and it is a coping mechanism for extreme emotional distress, or feelings of emotional numbness. So, if you know someone who is engaging in self-injury, try and encourage them to seek professional help, and at the very least, offer them a safe space to talk about how the feel.

They need to be seen, and heard, not judged and hated.

Sources:

Nami.org

Mind.org

Helpguide.org