I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter, and attending ante-natal classes, and they spoke about the difference between the baby blues and post partum depression. I didn’t realise then that baby blues was a thing, I mean I’d heard about post-partum depression because of my interest in psychology and mental health, but this baby blues thing was new. And then I went about my business of being super excited about becoming a mom. Because I had a relatively easy pregnancy (humble brag), and you know, I’d read all the stuff, and I had a support system of women who’d done it all before, and were giving me great advice about pregnancy and giving birth and hospital stays, and the changes in your marriage. 

But still, despite all that, I ended up having a bout of baby blues where I was sitting there at 10pm, after feeding my daughter, and she had fallen asleep, and then I cried. And cried. And cried. Because I was overwhelmed, and I felt alone, and I didn’t know if what I was doing was right, how could I be a good mother, I’m tired, and alone, and confused. 

But we never speak about the waves of “baby blues” that happen later on in motherhood. The overwhelm. The crises. The feelings of loving and hating being a mother at the same time. The worry about whether or not you’ve made the right decision. Did you handle that situation correctly? Are you raising jerks? Are you raising pushovers? Are they in the right school? Are they doing too many extra murals? How did that time you screamed at them last week affect the rest of their lives? And was the screaming justified seeing as you asked them 5 times and they still didn’t listen? Are you a bad mother? Are you a good mother? Is your mothering mediocre? Does it matter? 

For some reason, all people think that they are experts in motherhood, even if they have never been a mother. Is it because you have a mother? Because I have a car, but I am no mechanic. And even the criticism we get from other mothers, they also don’t know what you are going through. Maybe they get what it’s like to drive a Mercedes Benz but what do they know about your 1995 Opel Kadette, with its unique challenges. 

We hear so much criticism from so many places, and so much judgment, and we actually just need to support each other. Because motherhood doesn’t come with a manual. So we learn as we go. And sometimes we make mistakes.But it’s hard. It’s overwhelming. 

And because it’s so challenging, we need to remember ourselves. We need to do things for ourselves. I read something online recently which said that fathers’ activities traditionally take them out of the house, so they are not available to their family for an hour or more, and they can truly have that time to themselves to unwind. Mothers’ activities have traditionally been things you can do while looking after kids. So I challenge you to take it out of the house, so that you can truly be by yourself. To reboot. And grocery shopping does not count. 

What is it that brings you back to you? Who were you before you were a mom? What defines you as you, outside of motherhood? Do that. Even if it’s something you have tried at home, like reading, and you keep getting interrupted, take it out of the house. Go sit in a coffee shop with a book, or out in nature. 

Give yourself time for you. 

Maternal mental health is not only about preventing illness like burnout, or depression. It’s about making sure that you are mentally healthy in general, so that you are able to be in the moment with your children, that you are able to co-regulate and connect with them.

Some things that I have done to help with my mental health, and to reconnect with myself have been to refocus on making myself both physically and mentally healthy. I gave myself the goal of completing a sprint triathlon, which I eventually completed in 2023, and I felt this sense of achievement, and more connected to myself because before becoming a mom, being a triathlete was a large part of my identity. Best part was swimming for an hour a week at least, because nothing brings me more calm than swimming endless laps in the quiet of the water. 

For a while now, my weight has been a bit problematic, and I sometimes lose weight, but I gain it all over again, and I have started seeing a dietician who has helped me assess why I’m eating, and given me key strategies to help me to eat healthily, it’s not restrictive, but it has made all my meals healthy. And being a little bit more healthy than I was yesterday has helped with my mood, and energy immensely. 

Most recently, I have started mediation workshops with Tessa Nel whom I met a few years ago for a group called Mindful Mamas. She is teaching us about meditation, and a big part of why I have signed up is for the self care for myself. To learn how to be mindful, to find those moments in my day to be present, to start being aware of my body. In my first workshop with her, in the opening meditation, I immediately felt that I had been clenching my jaw, and I was able to release it, then I felt the tension in my shoulder and I could release it, while focusing on my breath. Had I been tense all morning? She is helping us learn to be self-aware, and then also to have self-compassion.

With that in mind, be aware of your own needs, and give yourself some self care – you need it. And more importantly, you deserve it.  

I’ve included some resources below, because sometimes what you are experiencing is more than “the baby blues”, or everyday motherhood, and if you are, please speak to someone. 

Resources on maternal mental health:

African Alliance for Maternal Mental Health – https://aammh.org/

Maternal Mental Health Alliance – https://maternalmentalhealthalliance.org/about-maternal-mental-health/

South African Depression and Anxiety Group – https://www.sadag.org/